Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Come Clean

Today is the perfect day for Confessions without Consequences. Why? Because it's April Fool's Day. You can share your darkest secrets and you can always deny it later as a joke. Here are my confessions:

I confess to faking an illness to get out of plans with a friend.

I went on a date instead and had a great time. Also, I couldn't stand to be around my friend's significant other. Dude was a total douche bag. And I kept on lying to avoid interacting with the douche bag.

I confess to taking vengeance at work.

A coworker kept eating other people's lunch, including mine! She was known as the Parasite. And it wasn't just because she was feeding off of us uninvited. She touched and tasted other people's food with unwashed hands! It didn't matter if your name was written on your lunch or drink; she would just go to the fridge and take what she wanted, then claim ignorance, as if she couldn't read the names marked on the lunch boxes and drinks! She didn't think she was doing anything wrong, even after we confronted her.

It really pissed me off when she kept drinking my unopened Mountain Dew. So finally, I got a some magnesium citrate and mixed it into a half empty bottle of Mountain Dew with my name on it. I put the bottle in the fridge and went to work. When I came back for lunch, I found the bottle empty. One hour later, the Parasite had to go home. She was apparently not feeling well. One of the ladies at work reported that the Parasite had come down with diarrhea and had an accident in her stockings.

Success! Vengeance was mine! I tried not laugh out loud, but I did have a smile on my face for the rest of the day. And after that incident, Parasite stopped taking our lunches and drinks. But since then, whenever a foul odor was detected, people would look at Parasite first to see if she was the source.

And finally, my darkest confession.

I confess to listening to Celine Dion.

Okay, so I make fun of her a lot, about her singing style and just plain lack of style. Sure, she looks ridiculous and hideous in some of those outfits she wears. Sure, she talks funny and makes those crazy, outlandish gestures when she sings. But the woman can sing. I like some of her songs, and I've sung her songs in the shower and in the car on long drives.

And if I ever find myself on a sinking ship, you better believe I'm singing that Titanic song! And not because I'm a romantic or anything stupid like that. Rather, I'm hoping other passengers will want to jump off the ship after hearing me sing that song, leaving more room for me on the life boat.

They say confession is good for the soul. I'm not so sure; but at the very least mine are good for a quick laugh.

28 comments:

  1. I am shocked by your treatment of Parasite, but I admire it. Wow, I'm never going to cross you - not even virtually. I listen to Celine too - but mainly just I Drove All Night.

    My bad work confession: The woman who replaced me at one job was dishonest and was taking credit for my work (I still acted as a consultant for the company). I hacked into her email to prove it, got a message where she was sending our contact list to another company, and got her fired. I did that via someone who still worked there (I sent them the email and they claimed to have received it from evil woman by mistake).

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  2. When my friends and I went on a cruise awhile back, we were watching some guys sing karaoke and I was tempted to request "My Heart will Go On", but figured that wasn't the best idea. Especially since we were already on choppy waters and the ship was swaying back and forth.

    My friend and I make fun of her too, we pound our chests and raise our fists in the air as we sing her songs, but yeah I can't help feeling moved by some of those songs.

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  3. I like some of her songs, and I've sung her songs in the shower

    We'll need video evidence of this.

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  4. Snooze, Ha! That was so awesome how you busted that spy and liar! Corporate espionage at it's best!

    That Parasite had it coming; I just got fed up with her doing this for six months since I started working there, even after asking her to stop. I saw it as an attack, so I went to war with every intention of winning! And I won!

    Tara, That would've been funny and scary had you went ahead with your Titanic song request! But I think you made the right choice :)

    Celine's singing almost makes up for her horrendous stage gestures...but it's still funny to watch her sing.

    Scarlet B, No? But you're too glamorous to be Mary Ann!

    MJ, I'm afraid that my digital camera is not waterproof; all that steam from the shower would damage it. So, imagination will have to suffice.

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  5. ok, the diarrhea in her stockings if awesome. i would of loved to have been there and seen her face when it hit her.

    dont go messin with eros or his mt dew!

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  6. You're very creative in your vengance, Eros! Remind me to not get on your wrong side!

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  7. Hey man, good on you. These are some significantly sly revelations that give us some insight into you.

    I loved your first one, I'd do that in a heartbeat. And getting the gal at work was totally genius.

    I am not proud to admit that Celine Dion is Canadian, although she does have a terrific voice.

    Titanic was masterful, no matter what anyone says. You got beer on that lifeboat?

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  8. CYFN, I don't think I could've kept a straight face if I had seen her "run" in her stockings.

    I'm just happy that she stopped taking other people's food and drinks after that incident.

    Ponita, I'm usually very nice. I asked Parasite twice to stop taking my lunch and drink, but she didn't seem to get the message. In fact, I think she rather enjoyed taking other people's stuff.

    But I figured out a way to communicate that she needed to keep her grimy hands off other people's stuff.

    WW, Yes, that first one was a lot of fun.

    As for the revenge planning, I had to resort to my wicked prankster side that I rarely use since I became old enough to be charged as an adult.

    Ah well, at least Celine has genuine talent; we churn out Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson.

    If the life boat is coming off a big ship, I bet we can load it up with the good stuff from the galleys. It'd be such a waste to let it all sink in the ocean.

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  9. Yeah, Celine does have one hell of a voice, doesn't she? Too bad she is so over the top in other ways.

    A couple of women I work with went and saw her in concert not that long ago... I think their tickets were around $135 each... no freakin' way I would pay that! And they raved about her show but it was mostly about all the costume changes... and how elaborate they were.

    But I confess to listening to her too... :-)

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  10. Ponita, I wouldn't pay that much for tickets either! For $135 I better get a private performance while her husband fans me and feeds me grapes!

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  11. Erm... I could pop over and film you in the shower; I'm willing to do this for MJ...
    Sx

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  12. You're a saint, Miss Scarlet.

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  13. Scarlet B and MJ, It gets mighty steamy in the shower. This may require multiple takes.

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  14. When is your next Blogging Tips post?

    I have another question.

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  15. MJ, Ask away and I'll see if I can find the answer. If not, I'm sure someone can help out.

    I usually do Blogging Tips posts when I learn something new or useful.

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  16. Last time I posted a pic on my blog, it said...

    You are currently using 175MB (17%) of your 1024MB

    Are we only allowed so many photos on Blogger and then suddenly we won't be able to post pics anymore?

    Is it a cunning plan so that I won't be able to post photos of nekkid old men?

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  17. Oh yikes! Celine? Really?

    She's hilarious though.

    I love what you did to Parasite. I might have done something similar. Or put a bug in the yoghurt ala Ving Rhames in Striptease.

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  18. MJ, Yes, blogger, which hosts it's pictures on Picasa, only has 1GB of free space for pics and such. So, if you run out of space, you'll either have to delete some pics or get a third party hosting site, like Photobucket to host your pics. Photobucket also offers free 1GB of storage space.

    The fact that the size limit might impede future postings of nekkid old people is just a happy coincidence...more like a bonus.

    CP, Yes, well, is there a faster way to clear people off a sinking ship better than singing Celine? ;)

    I didn't think of putting any critters in the food. I might next time someone does the same thing. I just wanted her to stop, and she did!

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  19. Thanks, Eros.

    Let's see...

    I've had my blog 3 years and have used up 17 per cent of my photo space in that time. AND I post a lot of pics.

    That gives me another (attempts to do the math) ...uh...several more years of blogging.

    So I probably shouldn't start to worry at this point, right?

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  20. MJ, I say you've still got a few years til you have to worry about this. But, given how things are always changing, I bet in the near future, they'll increase storage size for Picasa.

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  21. I am shocked into silence by the Celine Dion admission .

    ***hands Miss MJ the Mitten of Tough Love***

    Give him a good scrubbing with that while your in the shower Miss MJ , that should cure him

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  22. Beast: I'll give you a good slap with a wet loofah while I'm in there.

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  23. Beast, Those statements were made on April Fool's Day and therefore inadmissible as evidence in any court.

    MJ, I think he'd rather be beaten with his love mitten.

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  24. Hello Mr Swings, I have stolen Mr Beastie's love mitten; shall we play with it in the shower???
    Sx

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  25. Scarlet B, Let the games begin!

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  26. Scarlet B, And coming together for this joint venture has been worth it!

    *Sighs satisfaction*

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