Come Clean

Today is the perfect day for Confessions without Consequences. Why? Because it's April Fool's Day. You can share your darkest secrets and you can always deny it later as a joke. Here are my confessions:

I confess to faking an illness to get out of plans with a friend.

I went on a date instead and had a great time. Also, I couldn't stand to be around my friend's significant other. Dude was a total douche bag. And I kept on lying to avoid interacting with the douche bag.

I confess to taking vengeance at work.

A coworker kept eating other people's lunch, including mine! She was known as the Parasite. And it wasn't just because she was feeding off of us uninvited. She touched and tasted other people's food with unwashed hands! It didn't matter if your name was written on your lunch or drink; she would just go to the fridge and take what she wanted, then claim ignorance, as if she couldn't read the names marked on the lunch boxes and drinks! She didn't think she was doing anything wrong, even after we confronted her.

It really pissed me off when she kept drinking my unopened Mountain Dew. So finally, I got a some magnesium citrate and mixed it into a half empty bottle of Mountain Dew with my name on it. I put the bottle in the fridge and went to work. When I came back for lunch, I found the bottle empty. One hour later, the Parasite had to go home. She was apparently not feeling well. One of the ladies at work reported that the Parasite had come down with diarrhea and had an accident in her stockings.

Success! Vengeance was mine! I tried not laugh out loud, but I did have a smile on my face for the rest of the day. And after that incident, Parasite stopped taking our lunches and drinks. But since then, whenever a foul odor was detected, people would look at Parasite first to see if she was the source.

And finally, my darkest confession.

I confess to listening to Celine Dion.

Okay, so I make fun of her a lot, about her singing style and just plain lack of style. Sure, she looks ridiculous and hideous in some of those outfits she wears. Sure, she talks funny and makes those crazy, outlandish gestures when she sings. But the woman can sing. I like some of her songs, and I've sung her songs in the shower and in the car on long drives.

And if I ever find myself on a sinking ship, you better believe I'm singing that Titanic song! And not because I'm a romantic or anything stupid like that. Rather, I'm hoping other passengers will want to jump off the ship after hearing me sing that song, leaving more room for me on the life boat.

They say confession is good for the soul. I'm not so sure; but at the very least mine are good for a quick laugh.