Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Just a closer walk with thee...

I was half listening to a conversation some coworkers were having. Suddenly they asked me, "If you could go back to any time period, where would you go to, and why?"

I answered, "I would go back to when Jesus was alive. "

Blank stares. Silence. Discombobulation. Then one of them braved, "What? What? What!?"

So I said, "Why not? I would love to hang out with Jesus! He likes to walk in the wilderness, and I enjoy the outdoors. We could go kayaking. And if the kayak tipped over, Jesus can just walk on the water and flip the boat back over.

Plus, he's always having parties! And if we need wine, I'd be like, 'Jesus! We need wine! Here's some water,' and he'd turn that water to wine. If we need food, I'd say, 'Jesus, we need food!', and I'd give him a fish and some bread, then Bam! Jesus turns it into fish tacos for everyone!

Chicks were drawn to Jesus. And if one of Mary Magdalene's friends gave me a social disease, I'd say, 'Jesus, it burns when I pee', Jesus would heal me! Hangovers? Healed! Food poisoning? Healed! Fell off the roof and broke some bones? Healed! Died in a horse and carriage accident? Raised from the dead!

And I would be a true friend to Jesus. I won't punk out when the Romans come to arrest Jesus. I'd be like, 'Hell, no, mofos! You want Jesus? You're going to have to go through me!' And I'd start kicking ass! And if I died in the fighting, I'm gonna make sure Jesus keeps raising me up from the dead to fight til all those Romans are gone.

Then I'd smack around that bitch traitor, Judas, have him set up a meeting with Joseph Caiaphas, the high priest who put the hit out on Jesus. Then I'd go Vlad Tepes on Caiaphas and all those Pharisees and Sadducees who plotted to kill Jesus and impale them all on a hill! The hill they planned to crucify Jesus!

The New Testament would've been very different if I had been there!"

And the conversation ended with me walking away and my coworkers laughing.