Monday, November 26, 2007

Open Season

Ladies and Gentlemen, I officially declare the start of the The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition! All are welcomed! The rules of the hunt are explained in the post below...Hit me with your best shot! ;) Go on...come and get it!!!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Rules of the Game

The time has come again, to revel in magic that is The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition! Come one, come all, oh come all ye faithful! Behold the power of the shiny, velvety, 100% polyester Made in China--lead free--No Boundaries shorts! Well traveled, worn by some of the cleverest--and most perverted--minds and finest bodies the world over!

What's this all about, you ask? Well, thanks to the entertaining, uninhibited Informanic, MJ, we have a history of The Shorts, its origins and the tales of previous winners and what they did to add to the growing legend. The last winner, the creative, enigmatic, and enchanted IDV, charted the long, winding, adventurous course the The Shorts have made over the years. Though many have tried, there can be only one winner, and it could be you!

So now, we come to the rules of the game, brought to you in part by MJ and IDV...

“What do I have to do to win The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts?” you ask. On Monday morning, the 26th of November, 2007, I will post a pic of myself posing with the The Shorts. You will then take some time to admire the foto, and create a caption inspired by the foto. You will then post your caption in the comments sections, and from these entries, I will declare the most creative and hilarious caption as the winner on the the following Tuesday, the 4th of December, 2007.

“May I enter more than once?” Enter as many captions as you wish, as often as you like. You have until the midnight of Monday, the 3rd of December, 2007 to submit your caption(s).

“What happens if I win?” If you’re chosen as the lucky winner, I’ll send The Shorts to you. If you’re in another country, I’ll also send you a souvenir of my county & country; either Galveston county or Nueces county, the big old U.S. of A ,along with The Shorts. Then it’s your turn to take a foto of yourself wearing The Shorts and post it on your blog, so the fun can continue on and on...

“I don’t have a blog or a website. Can I still enter?” No. You're ineligible to win. But you can still participate. Though, you need to set yourself up with a blog because if you win, you must post a pic of yourself wearing The Shorts. We all want to see you make a fool of yourself like the previous winners have all done.

“If I send you my credit card number and access to my bank account, will you declare me the winner?” Bribery, while welcomed, will have no bearing on picking the winner. So far I have received bribes involving nudie pics of other contestants, promises of sexual gratification, and offers of liquor and recreational drugs. Once again, these will not win you the contest--but feel free to send them anyway. A$$ kissing and begging, while entertaining, will not win you The Shorts--but feel free to do so anyway, so long as they come with the bribes.

“What if I don’t want to win The Shorts but I want to tell you how stupid you look in The Shorts?” If you don’t want to win The Shorts you can still leave a comment. Just be sure to let me know it’s a comment and not a caption.

“Are those stains removable?” No amount of scrubbing will remove the stains. And why would you want to?

“Will you wash The Shorts before you send them to me?” Again, why would you want me to?

Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare yourselves for another round of good times at someone's (my) expense. I feel like Miss Universe, taking a last look around at the great times I've had with the Shorts, the memories, the fun, and the end of my reign as we look forward to crowning our new winner. And so I leave you with a preview of things to come. An appropriate foto of where I use to work, when I first got into the business, learning the rules of a different game. The end result always being the same: The winner takes it all, and that winner could be you!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Personal Jesus

Today is Thanksgiving in the United States. It marks the beginning of the holiday shopping season. Originally, it celebrated the survival of the Pilgrim in the harsh New World, thanks to some kind Native Americans, who unknowingly helped the Europeans begin the annihilation and decimation of the American Indians and the buffalo. Some traditions kept on this day include gorging on lots of meat, poultry, and dessert, as a way to celebrate those kind Indians and hardy Pilgrims, and to prepare ourselves for the next day, Black Friday. Come tomorrow, Americans will reenact the warrior ways during the savage and wild times of the early colonists and Native Americans, battling each other for goods on sale in stores throughout the land. Other traditions hold that on this day, we gather with our loved ones and remind ourselves of the good things we have and what we have to be thankful for on this day.

So what do I have to be thankful for at this time? Well, two months ago, I was reckless and foolhardy. Consequently, I paid dearly for my gamble, and ended up--some say I had it coming-- with the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts. And it’s been fun. Here is a preview, the opening ceremonies, if you will, of the Greatest International Caption Contest in the history of the world. I shall post the rules of the game this weekend, and we shall begin another chapter in the saga of these well traveled Shorts. Enjoy! (Hopefully, you've eaten before reading this entry ;)

That's me, ready to catch some waves with Jesus, my good friend (and possibly yours, too, if you ask), on a chilly morning.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Fortunate Son

For all our fathers, our mothers, our sisters, and our brothers...we honor you.
For all our wives, our husbands, our sons, and our daughters...we love you.
For all our families, our friends, and our beloved others...we cherish you.

To all our allies, our forces, and heroic defenders...we remember you.
Your bravery, your courage, and your sacrifices have made us the fortunate ones.

To all our veterans, we thank you.

For as long I can remember, the military has always played a significant role in my life. Growing up, I remember listening to stories of my grandparents during the first world war and the second world war. My uncles and aunts and parents would capture our attention for hours when they spoke of their time during the Korean and Vietnam Wars--it was suppose to be an adult conversation, but as kids, my siblings, and cousins, and I learned to tuned out the t.v. and pay close attention whenever the relatives started reminiscing about their wartime experiences.

I used to be fascinated with my father's old military fotos and medals tucked deep in his footlocker; I was awed by the bright colors of those small pieces of ribbons and the shine of those little bits metals. I was mesmerized by the crispness of the old uniforms next to the shined boots. It seemed so unreal to see pictures of my dad in uniform, next to his buddies, taking a cigarette break, weapon still in hand--so young, so carefree yet on alert. I used to wonder what he was thinking about at the time, and I wonder if he ever hoped or dared to dream of where life would take him, if he would even survive those terrible times.

Some of my relatives were not quite the same after their wartime experiences. One of my uncles spent his days living with us one day, then going over to his other siblings homes...never quite settling down for too long. There were nights when he would just sit on the porch, mumbling things I could not understand, my mother sitting silently next to him, sad but supportive. Other times, my dad and my uncle would drink by themselves, having soft but very few conversations, somehow able to communicate so much with so little spoken. I had an aunt who drank everyday, a nurse during the Vietnam War, she often went into periods where she would not say anything to anyone for days, a despondent look upon her face, her eyes far off as if in search for something or someone. It was quite unnerving to see my usually happy, funny aunt stay silent and distant and so far removed from us. She died from cirrhosis.

Some of my siblings lived through the first Gulf War, and some returned for the latest Gulf incursion. I've family and friends who've all ready lost blood, limbs, and lives to the current war. These ones I miss and feel for the most. The ones who come back alive, don't come back the same; some thing has changed in them, and I'm not sure if I can ever reach them again, though I love them very much. The ones who never came back, I am not going to forget, and I miss them and mourn them every day.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Road Warrior

Driving is a necessity if you want to see what the big state of Texas has to offer. Texas is more than ranches, oil fields, and deserts. We've got rivers, beaches, hills, woods, swamps, and plains.

Driving conditions depend on location. Rural areas and small towns are fairly easy to navigate. Most drivers in those areas are friendly and often move over to let faster traffic pass. Big cities, however, are a war zone. Houston, being the biggest city in Texas, is a no man's land.

To drive in Houston requires nerves of steel, sharp eyes, and lightning fast reflexes. It would also be very helpful to have the psychic ability to see the future; you will be surrounded by cellphone talking idiots on the highway, who don't know how to read traffic signs nor use or understand turn signals.

Houston driving is a test of faith, skill, and luck. It's kind of like finding the next American Idol winner or choosing the next pope. Darwin would've identified the daily numerous accidents as natural selection. Select the wrong driving lane and naturally, get smashed by the idiots who frequent the road. The result being the meek and the weak are driven out the driving population along with the stupid and careless.

New drivers or out of towners would do best to drive in Houston when traffic slows down--usually between 4 a.m. and 5 a.m. Otherwise, bring a second pair of underwear in case one needs to change clothing. It may also be beneficial to start praying your rosary or offer your firstborn to any and all gods willing to intervene on your behalf. If you didn't believe in Jesus before, after driving on highway 59, you'll be looking for him like he owed you money!

On the highways, most drivers in Houston go 15 to 20 miles over the posted speed limit. There are exceptions like those fools who drive slow in the fast lane--and by slow, I mean they drive the actual speed limit. Morning rush hour is from 6 a.m. to noon. Evening rush hour is from noon to 8 p.m.

To successfully drive in Houston, one must learn to adapt. It's survival of the fittest. When some out of state friends visited, I took them to Austin and San Antonio, with the Shorts carefully packed in my overnight bag. My friends could not believe how aggressive drivers are in Houston compared to other cities. They were also curious as to the jingling sounds the Shorts made as I took the Shorts out in the bedroom where we spent the night during our Texas road trip. The Shorts remained a secret as I told my friends that they were tired and hearing things, most likely they were dreaming of Santa as the Holidays are coming up.

I'm finding that my road rage is returning after a two year remission; I try to keep calm and find a state of harmony as I battle other drivers on the roads. It's not easy to keep cool and not cuss out a distracted, idiotic driver. And it's difficult remaining level headed when the Shorts encourage me to call the offending driver a C-U-Next-Tuesday, female dog, or fellator.

Evolution happens on Houston roads. It changes a person. It makes you stronger, hardier, and sometimes, more insane. Remember the crazy astronaut Lisa Nowak, who wore diapers to reduce rest stops, drove all night from Texas to Florida to kidnap her romantic rival? She worked at NASA in Houston, and the daily commute made her adapt to tough driving conditions--either hold it for hours, learn to pee in a bottle, or wear diapers when you're stuck on the road for a long time. Drivers in Houston learn that to navigate these unforgiving streets, you either learn quickly to become a road warrior or you'll end up as roadkill.