Road Warrior

Driving is a necessity if you want to see what the big state of Texas has to offer. Texas is more than ranches, oil fields, and deserts. We've got rivers, beaches, hills, woods, swamps, and plains.

Driving conditions depend on location. Rural areas and small towns are fairly easy to navigate. Most drivers in those areas are friendly and often move over to let faster traffic pass. Big cities, however, are a war zone. Houston, being the biggest city in Texas, is a no man's land.

To drive in Houston requires nerves of steel, sharp eyes, and lightning fast reflexes. It would also be very helpful to have the psychic ability to see the future; you will be surrounded by cellphone talking idiots on the highway, who don't know how to read traffic signs nor use or understand turn signals.

Houston driving is a test of faith, skill, and luck. It's kind of like finding the next American Idol winner or choosing the next pope. Darwin would've identified the daily numerous accidents as natural selection. Select the wrong driving lane and naturally, get smashed by the idiots who frequent the road. The result being the meek and the weak are driven out the driving population along with the stupid and careless.

New drivers or out of towners would do best to drive in Houston when traffic slows down--usually between 4 a.m. and 5 a.m. Otherwise, bring a second pair of underwear in case one needs to change clothing. It may also be beneficial to start praying your rosary or offer your firstborn to any and all gods willing to intervene on your behalf. If you didn't believe in Jesus before, after driving on highway 59, you'll be looking for him like he owed you money!

On the highways, most drivers in Houston go 15 to 20 miles over the posted speed limit. There are exceptions like those fools who drive slow in the fast lane--and by slow, I mean they drive the actual speed limit. Morning rush hour is from 6 a.m. to noon. Evening rush hour is from noon to 8 p.m.

To successfully drive in Houston, one must learn to adapt. It's survival of the fittest. When some out of state friends visited, I took them to Austin and San Antonio, with the Shorts carefully packed in my overnight bag. My friends could not believe how aggressive drivers are in Houston compared to other cities. They were also curious as to the jingling sounds the Shorts made as I took the Shorts out in the bedroom where we spent the night during our Texas road trip. The Shorts remained a secret as I told my friends that they were tired and hearing things, most likely they were dreaming of Santa as the Holidays are coming up.

I'm finding that my road rage is returning after a two year remission; I try to keep calm and find a state of harmony as I battle other drivers on the roads. It's not easy to keep cool and not cuss out a distracted, idiotic driver. And it's difficult remaining level headed when the Shorts encourage me to call the offending driver a C-U-Next-Tuesday, female dog, or fellator.

Evolution happens on Houston roads. It changes a person. It makes you stronger, hardier, and sometimes, more insane. Remember the crazy astronaut Lisa Nowak, who wore diapers to reduce rest stops, drove all night from Texas to Florida to kidnap her romantic rival? She worked at NASA in Houston, and the daily commute made her adapt to tough driving conditions--either hold it for hours, learn to pee in a bottle, or wear diapers when you're stuck on the road for a long time. Drivers in Houston learn that to navigate these unforgiving streets, you either learn quickly to become a road warrior or you'll end up as roadkill.