Sunday, December 30, 2007

Ring in the New

As the year draws to a close, I want to wish everyone a fantastic New Year 2008!!! May the lessons we learned in 2007 make us wiser for the new year. May the good times continue. May we take a little time to stop, look around, and appreciate all the great things that we have; plan for all our hopes and dreams; and remember how far we've come and how far we've got left to go in this journey called life. Seize the moment! Seize the Day! Live! Dance! and Laugh!

Don't forget your designated drivers, your protection, and your good sense! We've had enough wannabe celebrity cat sightings in the tabloids this year! Funny, you would think that this being the Year of the Boar, there would be more sausage sightings ;)

I'll be thinking best wishes to you all as I'm working New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, so Happy New Year to All! Have a Great 2008!!!

Friday, December 28, 2007

Toy Story

As I was rushing off from work today, I stopped off at the local toy store to pick out some toys for my friend's two nieces and nephew who would be visiting this weekend. I figured, since it's still the Holiday Season, why not give the little ones some toys? Most people like getting presents!

I had no problem picking out the boy's toy: a bright red (lead free) fire engine; the girls' presents, however, posed a big problem. Remembering my friend talking about how her nieces were so not like the tomboy she was growing up meant that these were girly girls. Now, the first part of the problem: What's an appropriate gift for a first grader and a third grader?

Make up? I don't 6 year olds wear make up? I mean, outside those creepy Lil Miss Pageants--where the little girls are dressed like midget whores and the psychotic stage moms pimp out their daughters to feed their own fame mongering? Perhaps books? Nah, I don't want to be the adult who gives the crappy presents. So I figured, what the hell, I'll just get them the old standard: Dolls!

So I strolled down past the action figure aisles, only to find myself lost in the valley of the dolls. I was going to get the old standard, Barbie; but lo, and behold, it seems as though the old standard has some new competition, the Bratz. And making my task even more difficult, all these dolls appear dressed as if they were walking the red light district or actresses in low budget porn films. When did little girl dolls become skanky? And who the hell are Blaine and Steven? Are they post op tranny Ken's friends? or maybe his "do buddies"--the real reason for his split with Barbie? or are they part of Mattel's new line of butch partners for lipstick lesbo Barbie?

Um, clearly, shopping for dolls after a long day at work is not a good idea. I was contemplating gift cards as I reached the end of my rope. Then, there it was, the saving grace, a Hannah Montana doll! Nothing slutty about this latest Disney teen queen--well, at least not yet, as the long line of previous Disney teen queens somehow turn into skanks once they reach the age of mammary upgrades. But that's another discussion. And as luck would have it, right next to Hannah Montana was a Bratz Jade doll, the least whorish looking Bratz out of the group. Granted, Jade's heavy make up still made her look like a tramp, but in this case, a tramp trumps a ho.

So, with Hannah Montana and Jade in tow, I made my exit, telling myself that the next time I want to buy some little girl a present, she'll definitely be getting either a gift card, a book, or hell, even a pair of socks. Now I know why those adults gave crappy presents--and often had a lot to drink at the Xmas parties. Shopping for little girls is hell...

Sunday, December 23, 2007

All I Want For Christmas

This has been a great year, full of new experiences. I've enjoyed some of the best writings ever, reading people's blogs (and comments). Such prose rivals that of Shakespeare and Penthouse Letters. I've learned so much in such a short time. I admire those of you brave souls who've shared some of your personal journeys and intimate thoughts with us. I've felt your pain, I've felt your joy. I've enjoyed laughing out loud to some of the funniest posts and replies I've ever read. I'm also grateful for the many tips and knowledge shared since I started being part of the internet community.

So, this year, all I want for Christmas and New Years, is a chance to say, thank you, bloggers and commentators for a wonderful year, and best wishes for a New, Fun Year! I'll be thinking good thoughts and best wishes for you all as I work this Holiday...Stay warm and Stay safe, Happy Holidays to All

P.S., and Santa, if you're reading this, I hope you got my letter, asking for World Peace, and if possible, a piece of the top 5 finalists from this year's Ms World ;)

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Holiday Blitz

The past few days have been a little crazy. Of course, any holiday having to do with Jesus is usually busy, packed with activities, services, and food, and other obligations. Anyway, as I'm off today and then working this weekend through Xmas Eve, I thought I'd make a quick post on what's going been going on lately.

I decided to extend my current contract, so I'll be in Galveston til the end of February, 2008. Part of the reason is that I like where I work, and it's close to one of my best childhood friends. I've also made some really good friends, and there ares so many places to see and people to do in such a short time. Also, I'm excited to be here come Mardi Gras, where I understand that it's part of a spiritual experience--or is it an experience when full of spirits--to celebrate another Jesus related holiday by exposing one's, uh, nature to the public. I'm looking forward to witnessing the testimony of women moved by the spirits to share their chesticles for colorful rosary like beads.

Last Saturday, I made my monthly drive home to check up on my place and pick up the mail. It's usually a four hour drive one way, but heavy thunderstorms added another two and half hours to my drive. I had left at 5 in the morning, but when I got home, it was near noon. I checked the mailbox, only to find a slip from the post office, saying they're holding my mail as my box was too full. So, I gas up and drive to the post office, only to find that they closed at noon, so I can't pick up my mail. On the one hand, I can honestly tell the billing people that I have not received any bills this month. On the other hand, I can't get to my Xmas goodies, personal letters, and stimulating artwork and articles of evocative and exciting magazines. I suppose I can try again next weekend, but we'll see.

I did manage to renew my tags and get my car inspected. The new stickers are very mundane, but they'll do. I also managed to finish Xmas shopping and shipping off various packages to varying locations. I only have a few local people to shop for, but I'm not too worried about them. My home answering machine overloaded with messages, so I've got to get a new one. I managed to call most of my friends back and left messages of my own. Seems they were either out shopping, working, or vacationing. Usually, I manage to go to a Chinese lunch with some of them when I come back to town, but this trip was last minute, so no plans to get together.

On the return trip, I stopped off in Houston, to visit a friend. I was tired, but the mention of free food got me to change into something presentable and off we headed to a party. Wonderful party, but seeing as I was driving, I did not drink anything alcoholic. After dropping off my friend, I headed out to an after party with some of the people I met. As I was invited to stay for breakfast, I imbued myself with some of the hostess's offerings and had a good time.

Work has been very busy since I extended. Though, it's been great, I do admit that I'm starting to get restless, ready to take on another adventure...somewhere else, but I'm only here for a short while, so I'll enjoy it while I can. There are days when I feel great, happy to be where I am, but then, there are other days when I start to day dream about something new and exciting, I start to crave a change. Some of my friends have bought homes and settled down; me, I can't picture doing that right now. I'm just not ready to be tied down; not that being tied down is bad thing, so long as it's between consenting adults and you've a safe word ;) Life is good, and I can't really complain. Seems right now, I've got everything that makes me happy...well, almost ;)

Friday, December 14, 2007

Nice, Rough

Last week, I was tagged by IDV to take part in an activity that reveals 8 random facts/habits about me, myself, and I. I'm also suppose to tag 8 other people and leave a comment on their blogs to let them know about this game. But, being the rebel that I am, I'm not going to tag anyone; better yet, I'm going to let you, readers, take it upon yourself to go ahead and decide whether or not you want to take part. If you do, then please let me know in the comments, and I'll surely visit your blog to see what you've put up. Fair enough? So, here we go:

1. The friends I've made before I started reading blogs for the first time last year, do not know that I have a blog. (And I like it like that!) ;) It's like living a double life...I wonder if this is what cross dressers/transvestites feel like? Like 007 or Martha Jones...maybe Batman...

2. I was 6 when my cousin, 9, taught me how to smoke cigarettes. I didn't even cough; I had a pack a day habit for 2 weeks before I quit for two main reasons. One, it was getting harder to steal cigarette packs from the construction crew rebuilding our church. Two, everything started tasting like ash, including ice cream :(

3. I was 7 when I had my first taste of alcohol--Budweiser. At first, I thought someone had peed in the can that I was drinking--let's just say it was one of the practical jokes the fellas on the block and I used to play on each other. However, in all my years of drinking, I've yet to experience a hang over! I've passed out, I've woken up in strange places, and I've even forgotten some things--like where are my clothes and why am I so sore and how did these marks end up on my back? Never had a hang over, though...

4. Vanilla is my favorite flavor of ice cream...I know, boring right? But I can't help's what I like.

5. I enjoy the firing range. I luv shooting at targets! Though, I've never shot anyone or any living thing in my life. The only weapon I've used to shoot people up close usually leaves them wet, and it doesn't really hurt--unless it gets into their eyes ;)

6. Though I only took art all four years of high school for fun, local critics and art directors actually thought I had talent. I won two different statewide art competitions my junior year in high school. My senior year, one of my works was selected as the cover of the state gov't sponsored environmental awareness calendar. My grand prize: two cases of Chicken of Sea tuna--dolphin safe, of course.

7. The first novel I ever read was "Call of the Wild", by Jack London; I was 10, and I enjoyed reading that book from end to end in one day!

8. When I was 13, I got my first job working for the gov't as an orderly in the Emergency Room. I was sent to get some supplies, and those supply fellas thought it would be hilarious to play a trick on me. They told me the supplies were in the freezer--which I knew was where we kept morgue overflow. I had a choice, either chicken out in front of these 20 or 30 somethings, or show them bastards a thing or two. Being a fool, I chose stupidly and walked into the freezer. They locked the door behind me and I felt the cold immediately. The lights in the freezer stayed on, and I could see three body bags on my right; the left shelves were empty. After what felt like forever, but was probably less than a minute, I heard the door unlock. I walked out, and nonchalantly said, "I didn't see any supplies; maybe they are in the next freezer?"

It took everything I had to keep from bursting out laughing as I saw the eyes bug out of those five dudes and their mouths hung open in disbelief. Finally, I said, "Is there someone else who can help me find my supplies?" Well that got a grunt, and one of them finally got my cart stocked with what I needed. By lunch time, I had become a legend in the entire hospital, and the ER crew laughed and said that I would fit right in with them. Those supply fellas never messed with me again, but they always managed to get out of my way when I strolled down the hall. That was an awesome summer job!

So there you have it; 8 random facts about me. Some things are nice, some things are rough, but we keep on rolling...

"Sure, I've slapped Tina. There have been times when I punched her to the ground without thinking. But I never beat her."~Ike Turner, RIP (Nov 5, 1931-Dec 12, 2007)

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Say Good Bye

I've just gotten back from sending off one of the most precious items I've ever had in my possession, The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts. I spent about an hour driving around trying to find the mailing place, and my manliness was particularly strong today, as I refused to stop and ask for directions. Earlier, I took a brief glance on the map, the address of the mailing place memorized, I set off to find this place that was suppose to be only ten minutes away.

Somehow, I think that my subconscious was trying to get me just a little more time with the Shorts before I say good bye. After telling myself that the universe was saying that maybe, just maybe I needed a little more time with the Shorts, I turned around and came back home. And wouldn't you know it, a genuine United States Post Office was right near the corner, about 5 minutes away from where I'm staying. It wasn't the mailing place I was searching for, but it was there, right where I least expected. I sighed, realizing that the universe has given me a sign. I've had my time with the Shorts, and now like a beautiful, sensuous instrument I've played til I've peaked and exhausted my inspiration, I must let her go to be played by another gifted musician, ready to gently coax out hauntingly beautiful, evocative, magical music.

And so, standing in the back of the long line, trying not to cry in front of all those other customers, I held on to that precious package. The wonderful times I've spent with the Shorts flashed in my mind, and suddenly, I was at the counter too quickly. Looking forlorn, trying not to burst into tears, I almost choked as the clerk asked, "How much are the contents of the package worth?" I almost blurted out, "Priceless", but I summoned my courage, and like an emotionally stunted man, I filled out the paperwork, and said as little as possible, putting on a mask of stoicism. The clerk, so wonderful and somehow understanding, looked upon me with kind eyes and whispered softly, "We'll take very good care of your package, and make sure it gets where it's suppose to go." I nodded, grateful, but felt stifled, so I exited the building as quickly as I could.

I got in the car, started the engine, and made a stop at a liquor store to buy some much needed items. I'm going to need this whole bottle of Vodka to drown my sorrows. Though, I have hope and am glad that the Shorts are on their way to a better place, to a spectacular, and utterly wonderful person, I'm still feeling a little sad. A little time spent moping and drinking, and I do believe I shall eventually be fine. Until then, I'm going to do a little self therapy...

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

And the Winner is...

Ladies and Gentlemen, the time has come to announce the winner of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition! Though many talented and gifted competitors participated, there can be only one winner.

Honorable Mention to Wyndham , for being the first clever captioner in the competition with his caption, "Billy Ray Cyrus regrets betting his latest song will be a worldwide smash." Not only did this garner a laugh, but moved the judges (me) to do the Achy Breaky Heart Dance. Well done, sir...

S.I.D. wins for being the Most Poised for his numerous, cool, well delivered favorite being, "Filming of the fake tan commercial stopped when it was pointed out to Eroswings that he should have used the last bottle from the top down." Bravo!!!

For sharing fine gems such as, "Not knowing his right from his left, caused consternation to the beach goers as ErosWings attempted to remove his hat in greeting..." Done with charm and cheer and sparkling personality, Inexplicable DeVice wins Most Congenial, a truly outstanding host!!!

Chicka wins the evening gown portion for Most Original caption, "My name is Hermie and I don't want to make toys. Someday, I want to be a dentist!

Now open wide..."

MJ, with her fabulous legs and huge bubbly personality stands out in the swimsuit competition as the Most Photogenic with memorable captions as "The Naked Cowboy’s fears of being replaced by a hot, young, up-start, Elf Shorts-clad buckaroo are realized."

and winning the Best Speaker award is Steve, for his lovely speech,

"And so they travel on,
Those Freakin' Green Elf Shorts.

They've travelled o'er air and sea,
To foreign parts and ports.

They've covered cock & covered minge,
They've even covered MJ's head.
We've seen them on a skinny poof, laying underneath a shed.

But Smunty the Postal Cabin Boy,
Looked by far most fetching.
This new display of skin and sand,
It's set my poor guts retching!

Ok, nice hat and cowgirl boots,
But where's the moobs and belly?
We all know thats what real men are like,
You know, fat and bald and smelly.

So anyway*, I refuse to win,
I've had them damn shorts once.
So give them to some other twat,
You bosseyed bunch of cunts!"

There was drama in the talent competition, as the title for Most Talented was tied between Scandinavian fashionista, CyberPete, who provided many fantastic comments, my favorite being

"with a smile so coy
stripped the cowboy
the water dripped
from his abs so ripped
his body hot
he felt like a stud
the shorts at display
to much dismay
for the audience so big
they felt so sick
the ocean roared
his mood soared
there was something arise
it felt so nice
his manly scent
increased as he bent
over and wiggled
as the audience giggled
IDV shouted with glee
come to me
but the cowboy would not
IDVs advances were shot
down with force
as the cowboy rode his horse
off into the ocean
the saddle slippery with lotion
the audience cheered
miss Mangle leered
IDV found the shorts on the beach
left there for him to reach
he sniffed the cowboys essence
but he learned his lessons
the shorts were tainted
and with vaginal fluids painted
but as IDV fainted
the cowboy came back
put IDV in a sack
and sold him into white slavery
his future life very unsavory
the cowboy live on
to marry a fireman named Roy
the lived happiely ever after
while IDV spent his life serving his master"

and the other standout contestant is none other than one of England's finest, Piggy and Tazzy, with my favorite submission being,

"Of all the beaches in all the world, the only thing I found to cover my embarrasingly small cock was a washed up pair of Robinson Crusoe's shorts".

In the end, due to some backstage subterfuge involving some mysterious fluids on some costumes and body parts swelling--as well as his polite refusal to caption, preferring to comment, CyberPete, was ineligible to win the Shorts...

Finally, a special Thank You and Acknowledgment goes out to the fantastic founding pair, the Adam and Eve of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition!, Andi and Jorge Porge , for gracing us with their presence, and helping us crown our new winner. The pair of shiny shorts you first shared with the world have taken on a life of their own and has traveled the world over!

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, we come to the last two awards. Please remember that the first runner up holds a sacred place in the competition, and should the winner be unable to carryout the duties and responsibilities accorded to The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts champion, then the runner up shall assume the throne and rule rightfully as the new winner and champion with all rights and privileges inherent to the position.

*drum roll*

The first runner up and winner of the Best Interviewer for her classic caption, "Save a horse, ride a cowboy", Philadelphia's finest, sexiest, and truly gifted, Maidink.

And the winner and new champion of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition! is...

Tatas , with her winning caption,

"Them elf shorts they don't fit,
He needs to use them to cover his bits.
He holds on to his hat as the wind picks up,
For hours he'll be getting sand out from his butt."

Congratulations!!! You've earned it!!!

*Cue the music, cries tears, waves farewell to the audience as the new winner is crowned, the time lovingly spent with the Shorts, now over...*

*Viewer Discretion is Advised*

Monday, December 3, 2007

An Extension

Ladies and Gentlemen, due to unforeseeable circumstances, I will not be able to select the winner tonight. I have to leave town, and may not have access to the internet til I get back on Wednesday morning. Therefore, I've extended The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition! for one more day. The deadline for all entries will now be 6 a.m. Wednesday, 5 December 2007. I've enjoyed laughing out loud to some really great captions so far. I can't wait to announce the winner, and hope you all have a great week! Here's to hoping for better traveling weather!