Wednesday, December 5, 2007

And the Winner is...

Ladies and Gentlemen, the time has come to announce the winner of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition! Though many talented and gifted competitors participated, there can be only one winner.

Honorable Mention to Wyndham , for being the first clever captioner in the competition with his caption, "Billy Ray Cyrus regrets betting his latest song will be a worldwide smash." Not only did this garner a laugh, but moved the judges (me) to do the Achy Breaky Heart Dance. Well done, sir...

S.I.D. wins for being the Most Poised for his numerous, cool, well delivered captions...my favorite being, "Filming of the fake tan commercial stopped when it was pointed out to Eroswings that he should have used the last bottle from the top down." Bravo!!!

For sharing fine gems such as, "Not knowing his right from his left, caused consternation to the beach goers as ErosWings attempted to remove his hat in greeting..." Done with charm and cheer and sparkling personality, Inexplicable DeVice wins Most Congenial, a truly outstanding host!!!

Chicka wins the evening gown portion for Most Original caption, "My name is Hermie and I don't want to make toys. Someday, I want to be a dentist!

Now open wide..."

MJ, with her fabulous legs and huge bubbly personality stands out in the swimsuit competition as the Most Photogenic with memorable captions as "The Naked Cowboy’s fears of being replaced by a hot, young, up-start, Elf Shorts-clad buckaroo are realized."

and winning the Best Speaker award is Steve, for his lovely speech,

"And so they travel on,
Those Freakin' Green Elf Shorts.

They've travelled o'er air and sea,
To foreign parts and ports.

They've covered cock & covered minge,
They've even covered MJ's head.
We've seen them on a skinny poof, laying underneath a shed.

But Smunty the Postal Cabin Boy,
Looked by far most fetching.
This new display of skin and sand,
It's set my poor guts retching!

Ok, nice hat and cowgirl boots,
But where's the moobs and belly?
We all know thats what real men are like,
You know, fat and bald and smelly.

So anyway*, I refuse to win,
I've had them damn shorts once.
So give them to some other twat,
You bosseyed bunch of cunts!"

There was drama in the talent competition, as the title for Most Talented was tied between Scandinavian fashionista, CyberPete, who provided many fantastic comments, my favorite being

"with a smile so coy
stripped the cowboy
the water dripped
from his abs so ripped
his body hot
he felt like a stud
the shorts at display
to much dismay
for the audience so big
they felt so sick
the ocean roared
his mood soared
there was something arise
it felt so nice
his manly scent
increased as he bent
over and wiggled
as the audience giggled
IDV shouted with glee
come to me
but the cowboy would not
IDVs advances were shot
down with force
as the cowboy rode his horse
off into the ocean
the saddle slippery with lotion
the audience cheered
miss Mangle leered
IDV found the shorts on the beach
left there for him to reach
he sniffed the cowboys essence
but he learned his lessons
the shorts were tainted
and with vaginal fluids painted
but as IDV fainted
the cowboy came back
put IDV in a sack
and sold him into white slavery
his future life very unsavory
the cowboy live on
to marry a fireman named Roy
the lived happiely ever after
while IDV spent his life serving his master"

and the other standout contestant is none other than one of England's finest, Piggy and Tazzy, with my favorite submission being,

"Of all the beaches in all the world, the only thing I found to cover my embarrasingly small cock was a washed up pair of Robinson Crusoe's shorts".

In the end, due to some backstage subterfuge involving some mysterious fluids on some costumes and body parts swelling--as well as his polite refusal to caption, preferring to comment, CyberPete, was ineligible to win the Shorts...

Finally, a special Thank You and Acknowledgment goes out to the fantastic founding pair, the Adam and Eve of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition!, Andi and Jorge Porge , for gracing us with their presence, and helping us crown our new winner. The pair of shiny shorts you first shared with the world have taken on a life of their own and has traveled the world over!

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, we come to the last two awards. Please remember that the first runner up holds a sacred place in the competition, and should the winner be unable to carryout the duties and responsibilities accorded to The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts champion, then the runner up shall assume the throne and rule rightfully as the new winner and champion with all rights and privileges inherent to the position.

*drum roll*

The first runner up and winner of the Best Interviewer for her classic caption, "Save a horse, ride a cowboy", Philadelphia's finest, sexiest, and truly gifted, Maidink.

And the winner and new champion of The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition! is...

Tatas , with her winning caption,

"Them elf shorts they don't fit,
He needs to use them to cover his bits.
He holds on to his hat as the wind picks up,
For hours he'll be getting sand out from his butt."

Congratulations!!! You've earned it!!!

*Cue the music, cries tears, waves farewell to the audience as the new winner is crowned, the time lovingly spent with the Shorts, now over...*

*Viewer Discretion is Advised*

30 comments:

  1. TATAS???

    We'll NEVER get the stench out of The Shorts now!

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  2. MJ: She'll only add to the Eau de toilette that is the unique scent of The Shorts...

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  3. *takes a bow*

    I would like to *sniff* thank everyone *wipes tear* for following me and taking the time to make me the FUNKING WINNER.

    *yay punches the sky*

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  4. Congratulations Tatas!

    Mwah hah hah hah hah ha. Hah ha!

    And that wasn't a laugh of joy.

    Or 'with you'.

    * flees *

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  5. Flees, IVD?

    FLEAS, more like.

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  6. MJ: Jealousy will get you know where and there's no fleas on me.

    Your toxic waste has been in the shorts already.

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  7. YAY FOR TATAS!!!!!!

    I can't wait for THIS photo!

    *gives sly evil grin*

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  8. Tatas: Well, as you know, Smunty has a houseful of trained circus fleas and since Smunty's a former winner, the fleas will come out of hibernation when you put The Shorts on.

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  9. God knows what crustaceous like creature will crawl out of the spot MJ left behind.

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  10. Congrats and well done Tats!!

    *Toasts with a Jameson*


    *awaits filth from Tatas*

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  11. I'd hate to find out maidy.

    Thx SID

    *toasts myself*

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  12. Tatas: You're a winner! The Shorts can't wait to be with you...

    IDV: Oh, the joys of being a past Shorts winner--the secrets revealed once one revels in them.

    MJ: I do believe there is powder or shampoo that can be purchased to treat such infestations.

    Tatas: Any such toxic waste would've surely exterminated any critters that may have taken root in the Shorts.

    Maidink: I'm eagerly anticipating Tatas creation as well.

    MJ: Oops! Do I need to notify customs of the traveling fleas? Will they be needing passports?

    Maidink: You mean a Canadian creation, like Celine Dion or Avril Lavinge?

    SID: I've had toasts with butter, toasts with jam, toasts with peanut butter and jelly, but never toasts with liquor.

    *Makes note to add liquor--again--to the grocery list*

    Tatas: Don't burn yourself! The Shorts will do that for you for free!

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  13. Congratulations Tats!!!!

    Can't wait to see what YOU come up with!

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  14. Big, beautiful tatas always make me happy, too. YAY for big tatas.

    Thanks for the evening gown win. I was afraid you wouldn't get the dentist/elf reference. (Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer doesn't show where you are, dose it?)

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  15. Andi: I'm looking forward to Tatas creation as well. Looks like the Shorts are going to cross the Atlantic once more!

    Chicka: I think it's in our genetic code that we enjoy big tatas. Luv those Xmas tv specials.

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  16. Oh the creative fingers of ones self is SO looking forward to this challenge.

    MJ: I don't mind Smunty's Fleas as they have an accent like mine lol.

    Thanks to everyone.

    Mwuahahahahahahaha

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  17. Oh congratulations Tatas
    *fake kisses*

    *spills his drink down her cleavage*

    OOOOOPS! I'm SO sorry

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  18. Tatas: The crabs speak with French Canadian accents...

    CP: MEOOWWW!!! Cat fight!!!

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  19. DAMN....i'm too late. :(

    well, here's my entry...

    "DASHING THROUGH THE SAND
    BITS SLAPPING AT HIS THIGHS
    LET'S GIVE THE MAN A HAND
    IT MUST BE COLD OUTSIDE

    WHAT IS HE RUNNING FOR?
    WHAT COULD THE REASON BE?
    THAT MRS. CLAUS IS SUCH A WHORE
    SHE GAVE HIM A V.D.

    OH, JINGLE BALLS, JINGLE BALLS
    LOOK AT ALL THOSE WARTS
    BEFORE YOU PUT THEM ON
    YOU'D BETTER WASH THOSE SHORTS!!!!

    :)

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  20. CP: fake kisses? BITCH!

    *sniffs and walks away*

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  21. Snick - you've gotta save that one, if only for posterity.

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  22. *kisses Tatas on both cheeks*

    was that better dear?

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  23. thanks, chicka.

    it's on my blog, and i think i'll make his pic my new wallpaper. :b

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  24. CP: You Alexis Carrington-etc... you!

    Snicks: That is one helluva a great poem! That made me laugh! I'm glad you decided to post it!

    Tatas: Oh, such is the tragedy/soap involved with winning these Shorts! It makes people crazy!

    Chicka: You're right about Snicks poem, definitely right for the Holiday Spirit!

    CP: Which cheeks? ;)

    Tatas: Now, now, you're a married woman! Nothing more than a chaste kiss at any hour...

    Snicks: I'm honored--Awww Shucks! I've been a wallflower before, but never someone's wallpaper--hopefully, for the den, as I'm not sure I'm appropriate for the dining room. ;)

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  25. Crazy people.

    Just wait to see what I have planned for the Elf shorts.

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  26. And they are on their way, Tatas! I've sent them off today, courtesy of the US Postal Service...Hopefully, it'll be there by Xmas. I'm sure the other customers thought I was sending off an urn, as I looked very sad sending off those beloved Shorts...but I know they are off to a better place, to someone who truly deserves them.

    *Sniff, sniff, holds back tears*

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  27. *passes Eros a tissue*

    I'll let you know when they turn up.

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  28. Thank you, Tatas...

    *Wipes eyes, takes a shot of Vodka*

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