Toy Story

As I was rushing off from work today, I stopped off at the local toy store to pick out some toys for my friend's two nieces and nephew who would be visiting this weekend. I figured, since it's still the Holiday Season, why not give the little ones some toys? Most people like getting presents!

I had no problem picking out the boy's toy: a bright red (lead free) fire engine; the girls' presents, however, posed a big problem. Remembering my friend talking about how her nieces were so not like the tomboy she was growing up meant that these were girly girls. Now, the first part of the problem: What's an appropriate gift for a first grader and a third grader?

Make up? I don't know...do 6 year olds wear make up? I mean, outside those creepy Lil Miss Pageants--where the little girls are dressed like midget whores and the psychotic stage moms pimp out their daughters to feed their own fame mongering? Perhaps books? Nah, I don't want to be the adult who gives the crappy presents. So I figured, what the hell, I'll just get them the old standard: Dolls!

So I strolled down past the action figure aisles, only to find myself lost in the valley of the dolls. I was going to get the old standard, Barbie; but lo, and behold, it seems as though the old standard has some new competition, the Bratz. And making my task even more difficult, all these dolls appear dressed as if they were walking the red light district or actresses in low budget porn films. When did little girl dolls become skanky? And who the hell are Blaine and Steven? Are they post op tranny Ken's friends? or maybe his "do buddies"--the real reason for his split with Barbie? or are they part of Mattel's new line of butch partners for lipstick lesbo Barbie?

Um, clearly, shopping for dolls after a long day at work is not a good idea. I was contemplating gift cards as I reached the end of my rope. Then, there it was, the saving grace, a Hannah Montana doll! Nothing slutty about this latest Disney teen queen--well, at least not yet, as the long line of previous Disney teen queens somehow turn into skanks once they reach the age of mammary upgrades. But that's another discussion. And as luck would have it, right next to Hannah Montana was a Bratz Jade doll, the least whorish looking Bratz out of the group. Granted, Jade's heavy make up still made her look like a tramp, but in this case, a tramp trumps a ho.

So, with Hannah Montana and Jade in tow, I made my exit, telling myself that the next time I want to buy some little girl a present, she'll definitely be getting either a gift card, a book, or hell, even a pair of socks. Now I know why those adults gave crappy presents--and often had a lot to drink at the Xmas parties. Shopping for little girls is hell...