Friday, December 28, 2007

Toy Story

As I was rushing off from work today, I stopped off at the local toy store to pick out some toys for my friend's two nieces and nephew who would be visiting this weekend. I figured, since it's still the Holiday Season, why not give the little ones some toys? Most people like getting presents!

I had no problem picking out the boy's toy: a bright red (lead free) fire engine; the girls' presents, however, posed a big problem. Remembering my friend talking about how her nieces were so not like the tomboy she was growing up meant that these were girly girls. Now, the first part of the problem: What's an appropriate gift for a first grader and a third grader?

Make up? I don't 6 year olds wear make up? I mean, outside those creepy Lil Miss Pageants--where the little girls are dressed like midget whores and the psychotic stage moms pimp out their daughters to feed their own fame mongering? Perhaps books? Nah, I don't want to be the adult who gives the crappy presents. So I figured, what the hell, I'll just get them the old standard: Dolls!

So I strolled down past the action figure aisles, only to find myself lost in the valley of the dolls. I was going to get the old standard, Barbie; but lo, and behold, it seems as though the old standard has some new competition, the Bratz. And making my task even more difficult, all these dolls appear dressed as if they were walking the red light district or actresses in low budget porn films. When did little girl dolls become skanky? And who the hell are Blaine and Steven? Are they post op tranny Ken's friends? or maybe his "do buddies"--the real reason for his split with Barbie? or are they part of Mattel's new line of butch partners for lipstick lesbo Barbie?

Um, clearly, shopping for dolls after a long day at work is not a good idea. I was contemplating gift cards as I reached the end of my rope. Then, there it was, the saving grace, a Hannah Montana doll! Nothing slutty about this latest Disney teen queen--well, at least not yet, as the long line of previous Disney teen queens somehow turn into skanks once they reach the age of mammary upgrades. But that's another discussion. And as luck would have it, right next to Hannah Montana was a Bratz Jade doll, the least whorish looking Bratz out of the group. Granted, Jade's heavy make up still made her look like a tramp, but in this case, a tramp trumps a ho.

So, with Hannah Montana and Jade in tow, I made my exit, telling myself that the next time I want to buy some little girl a present, she'll definitely be getting either a gift card, a book, or hell, even a pair of socks. Now I know why those adults gave crappy presents--and often had a lot to drink at the Xmas parties. Shopping for little girls is hell...


  1. YAY! FIRST!

    I agree with you Eros, Kids shouldn't have to be paraded around like little whores waiting for a pimp to pick them up.

    I can't stand Bratz they're more of a ho than Barbie.
    As for Ken I think he's just come out of the closet.

    Kids are a pain in the arse to buy for and get worse as the get older.

    I hope you have a great NEW YEAR.

  2. Before reading Tatas comment I thought Ken and Barbie were very much together again. Now I'm not so sure.

    It's about time they made a gay Barbie man and none of that icky Ken thing. A proper gayer Barbie and why not a bulldyke lesbo Barbie?

    Bratz are just so cheap looking, I can't believe anyone would want to play with them. It's not like back in school when nobody wanted to play with Fergie. Of course maybe that was because she peed herself.

    Love love love the video!

  3. Pete: The Video is even better when your singing away to it on karaoke.
    If you want a giggle, I'm the only one that can do Ken, lesbo Barbie is to high pitched for me. Connie can do Barbie. I did try and get our gorgeous Yorkie poofs to have a go when they visited but to no avail the cheeky CUNTS didn't want to play.

  4. Tatas: I was surprised at how much Bratz crap there was in the store! I almost felt sorry for anorexic Barbie...almost...

    CP: Cheap looking means easy...which isn't a bad thing if you're looking for a good time...but not if you're a little girl.

    Now that Fergie's living the glamorous life, maybe she can afford wearing depends ;)

    Tatas: That is hilarious! Perhaps Piggy and Tazzy prefer to karaoke out to Barbie Girl in the privacy of their home--in full costume ;)

    I luv this song and vid for it's fun sound and awesome jabs at Barbie and the lifestyle it promotes!

  5. We'll have to get someone in there to set up a hidden camera Eros.

    It's all cheap plastic crap that kids think they can grow up looking like them. I'm fucked if my daughter will go out dressed like a cheap ho.
    She's a sensible girl anyway. (Piggy's fav word)

    Have you heard of Guitar Hero?
    For all that doesn't know.
    It's a PS2 game that comes with a plastic guitar that plugs into it.
    You have to play the right notes to win. Connie ain't doing to bad at the mo. I've tried to get some incriminating evidence but haven't been able to as yet.

  6. So true. In the video I have a giggle at how she holds her magazine so it looks like it says "my little sea ho"

    I love the PS2 singalong thingy with the mics and you have to sing in tune to win. We did that at a company function in October and it was absolutely hilarious.

    First time I ever heard of a song called "Ring of fire". It had me in stitches as I tried to sing along.

    There is no rating just how bad I was

  7. Tatas: A reality show based on the daily lives of P&T would definitely be entertaining. Guitar Hero sounds like fun!

    CP: I've actually played that karaoke PS2! It really is fun! Your company functions sound really entertaining...

  8. They are not really. I think that was a one off.

    The Christmas party although entertaining was not much other than old, married men and women getting drunk and groping each other like there was no tomorrow.

    It was pretty icky.. but if you just drank and ignored the dancefloor it was fine

  9. CP: I see perfect blackmail, um, promotion opportunity! ;)

    At least you had drinks to distract you, whereas this year's company Xmas party had none! Blah!!! :(

  10. Connie is on guitar hero as we? I say we. Text, we had singstar earlier and I kick ass but so did our daughter and Connie was aloud to win a couple.

    Pete: "Ring of fire" by the famous Johnny Cash!

    *and it burns, burns, burns, that ring of fire, that ring of fire!!!!!

  11. Oog... I dread the day one of my sisters pops out a sprog or five. Buying presents for adults is bad enough.
    An old turnip and a crappy wood carving seem to be passe these days.

    * sings along to Johnny Cash *

  12. Tatas: Sounds like Connie is having fun! Karaoke can be so much fun--with or without the alcohol;)

    IDV: Have you tried passing off the wood carving as antique or art? or better yet, a piece of Noah's Ark?

    You score 95/100 for your Johnny Cash rendition...