Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A cold drink: Iced Tea

It was ten in the morning when the alarm woke me up. Usually on Sundays I wake up at noon, look at the clock, then roll over and go back to sleep. But not today; I had plans. I laid in bed for a few more minutes. First, I tried to get my bearings. Then I worked up the strength to stumble out of bed, driven by the need to relieve and refuel. Eventually, I ended up on the sofa, going over missed calls and messages, deciding who to call back and who to ignore. I needed to buy time to start waking up and recover from the night before.

This weekend was boys weekend out. I had just completed an intense, time consuming project. I was worried the week before that I might not make the deadline. But long hours, less sleep, and hard work paid off. I got the project done earlier than expected. So, I was winding down Friday afternoon, ready to go home and just sleep the rest of the weekend away; I was going to make up for all the sleep I gave up during the week. I was tired. But a surprise phone call jolted me full of energy. It was from my friend Flash, informing me that two of our friends, Flyboy and Crunch, were back in town for the weekend.

The last time the four of us had spent time together was over a year ago. Since then, I've only seen Flash a few times. The most recent was about two months ago. There was a time in college when the four of us were inseparable, but that was many years ago. When we graduated and moved on to our careers, we found ourselves heading into separate directions. Not that it was bad thing. I mean, we all grow up at some point in our lives. But we tried to maintain contact, whether it be by phone, email, or the occasional letter. We didn't keep it up often, but when we did reconnect, we picked up right where we left off, as if time had no meaning, our friendship still intact. These were my college buds, and we shared experiences and time together that only served to strengthen our bonds and ties to each other. And seeing them again reminded me of just how lucky I was to have really great friends.

And that's who I was going to see this Sunday morning. We were scheduled to meet for lunch at noon; but I'm really slow when I wake up. Thus, I needed to set my alarm early, so I'd have time to wake up, shower, dress, then head out. We arrived at the cafe around the same time, and we took a booth at the far corner, away from the few customers eating their pancakes and waffles. The waitress came over with some menus and took our drink orders. I wanted an iced tea; Flash ordered a Dr Pepper; Flyboy wanted a Root Beer; and Crunch asked for a glass of water. As soon as the waitress left we started talking.

We had gone clubbing last night. It didn't start out that way. Saturday we spent the day on the beach, swimming and surfing the few waves that arrived. Then we had dinner out a restaurant; from there, we went to a bar, and eventually found our way at a club. It was my turn to be designated driver. I didn't mind. Flash had his turn Friday night; we went bar hopping til we ended up at a bar by the water, staying til closing time, laughing and catching up.

On Saturday night, the club was full. It was just by chance that we ended up meeting a small group celebrating a bachelorette party. These girls were all ready drunk, and before the night was over, we danced and drank with the inebriated ladies. We ended up going home with a different member of the party. The fellas took the limo with their ladies; I took mine in my car. These ladies were out for a good time, and it was our intention to give them just that. The plan for our group was to meet for lunch at a local cafe the next day. And that's where we were now, at a small cafe, looking over the menu and talking about events from the previous night.

"Dude," Flash asked me,"How'd it go with that chick you went with last night?"

So I replied, "You know I don't like to kiss and tell," which got groans and laughs from the other fellas. That much was true. I've never been one to broadcast my private adult recreation activities. I've always considered what happens behind closed doors to be private and nobody's business. I guess I'm just old fashioned like that. I mean, I'll talk in general terms sometimes, but I don't like to give out the explicit blow by blow. "But in this case, I have something to share."

That got more laughs and perked up their interest. Okay, I did have something to share, and in this case, I think it was perfectly fine information to share among friends.

"So, tell us, dude," Flash said, "You must've had a helluva time with that chick. She had the biggest rack in the group."

That was true, my date did have the biggest bosom in the group. And she didn't hesitate to rub them all over me while were on the dance floor. I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or maybe she was just a party animal. But she when she danced, she got down and dirty, grinding herself on me most of the time. Not that I was complaining.

"That chick was wild on the dance floor," said Flyboy, "You must've had crazy fun with her!"

"Well," I said, "Crazy is definitely one way to describe my experience." So I proceeded to tell the fellas what had happened when I took her home from the club. She lived about three blocks from the club in a two story house. She told me that she had two sisters as a roommates; but we didn't have to worry about her sisters, because they lived upstairs. We were staying downstairs. I parked the car, opened her door, then followed her inside the house.

We passed through a large living room and a den before ending up in what looked to be a master bedroom. It was kind of hard to see with only a small nightlight shining in the room. She didn't want to turn on the lights. I figured it she liked doing things that way. She kissed me, and then started to unbutton my shirt, soon, we had most of our clothes off and ended up on her large bed. I noticed a bunch of pillows stacked on the bed. I supposed she like sleeping with a bunch of pillows. But tonight, the way her hands were all over my body, gripping me, pressing me against her meant that she wasn't interested in any sleep tonight! And soon we started grinding our bodies together, moaning, twisting and turning til she was on top of me.

She started kissing my neck and then worked her way down my chest, slowly going south. I let out a sigh, then I turned my head towards the stack of pillows next to my head. My eyes had become accustomed to the darkness. I noticed an odd shape on the pillows. It wasn't shaped like the other pillows. No, it seemed round, like a small ball. And it had a scent that I found very familiar, sweet and clean. I moved my head closer and focused on the oddly familiar shape, when I noticed a faint rising and falling from it, accompanied by a soft sound. Then it all became alarmingly clear. Holy crap! It was a baby!

"A baby!?!," exclaimed Flash.

"Yes, a baby! In the same bed!," I replied.

"You motherf*cker!," laughed Flyboy, "Literally, you are a motherf*cker!"

"Holy crap!," said Crunch,"So what did you do?"

"Well," I said, "What could I do? I certainly didn't want to have sex next to a sleeping baby! Nothing kills a mood faster than a baby in the room, you know."

The fellas laughed at that. So I continued. Anyway, I sat up and gently extracted myself from my partner. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her that there was a baby sleeping on the bed. Oh, she said, don't worry about him. He's been sleeping through all night now. I was like Huh? She explained that the baby was just over two and a half months. It was her baby, and he was a heavy sleeper. I was having a little trouble focusing on sex when I just discovered that I'm about to do some newborn baby's mama.

The guys laughed and Flyboy asked, "What's the problem? She had the baby like over two months ago! You know, they do stitch them up afterwards."

That got a ewww and gross and some chuckles from the rest of us, and I answered, "Well, just because the locks have been changed since the previous tenants moved out, don't mean the house is move in ready! Besides, it felt weird with a baby right there. I imagined him waking up and becoming traumatized by what he saw. I can picture him talking like Stewie from Family Guy, What the deuce!?!"

That got more laughs. Crunch asked, "So did you go home after that?"

"Eventually," I said.

"Dude," said Flash, "That is just messed up, man!"

"Oh, man," I said, "It gets even better. As I was getting dressed, I tried to wipe some of the sweat off my chest. Except it didn't feel like sweat and it smelled funny. And when I looked at it closer, I realized that it wasn't sweat. It was milk! She had leaked on me! That's why her boobs were so big. She was lactating!"

That got some oh gross and loud laughs from the fellas. Crunch joked, "Did you taste it?"

I said, "Uh, no. Maybe if I was drinking a cup of coffee and needed some creamer, I might've tried some."

That got more laughs, "Well," I said, "That's my night. What about yours, Flash?"

Flash was still laughing but managed to say, "Well, it's not as crazy as yours, but it was surprising nonetheless!"

The waitress returned with our drinks and took our food order. As soon as she was out of an earshot, Flash began to spin his tale of his adventure from the night before.


  1. Holy cow! You got creamed! (Well, someone had to say something to that effect, didn't they!?)

    How irresponsible is it that she had a baby sleeping on her bed and not in a crib??? What if he wiggled to the edge and fell on the floor? Or what if you hadn't noticed and the two of you squished the little guy?

    Well, despite not getting any that night, I have to say I am glad you took a stand and opted out.

    Better luck next time?? ;-)

  2. That is just a bit wierd .
    Poor Baby :-(

  3. That's the best almost-sex story I've ever heard. I can see the mom wanting to get some action, but I agree with Ponita - how careless to have the baby on the bed like that. Too funny though.

  4. Ponita, Can you imagine explaining to Child Protective Services what we were doing if the child had flopped off the bed?

    I'm just glad that baby didn't wake up! Nothing kills the libido faster than a baby in the room.

    Beast, A baby in the bed may set the mood for some people, but not me!

    She may as well have had some Gonorrhea posters on the wall; it would've had the same effect.

    Snooze, Ordinarily, I would've kept this embarrassing story to myself, but it was just too funny, and I knew my friends would appreciate the humor.

    And I think it teaches a very important moral: Use your breast pump before engaging in adult recreation activities.