One of the worst things about not living in a gated community is having all sorts of characters walk right into the neighborhood and knock on doors. I've had to deal with some of these filthy vermin--con men (people selling magazines), scam artists (Girl Scouts), and beggars (activists seeking signatures for petitions). But the worst of all are the religious nut sacks who somehow have made it their mission to litter the neighborhood with pamphlets of Jesus.
And today, I was looking for something to eat in the kitchen when someone knocked at the door. I looked in the peephole to see two elderly women. One was tall and wore glasses. The other was plump and short. Both wore their gray hair in a tight bun. They didn't look dangerous, so I opened the door slightly.
"Can I help you?" I asked.
The tall one with glasses spoke, "Do you accept Jesus as your personal savior?"
"Excuse me?" I asked.
Now the plump one answered, "Son, these are troubled times. There are signs of the apocalypse nearing. You need Jesus if you want to be saved."
Ah, religious nuts. Trying to be polite, I said, "Thanks, but not interested."
"Not interested?," the plump one spoke, "Are you not interested in going to heaven? Don't you want to live a better life?"
I was starting to get irritated, "Ma'am, my life is just fine. Try someone else."
"A life without Jesus is a life of sin. You'll find yourself in eternal damnation!," said the plump one.
"Lady, I don't need your lectures. I really don't want to talk to you any more. So, please be on your way and have a nice day," I said.
But as I tried to close the door, the tall one put her hand on the door, trying to push it open and proclaimed, "You need to find Jesus!"
And that's when I lost my patience, "I'm not looking for Jesus! If he's lost, try calling the police and put up some missing persons posters! But you best find some manners first! And get some hearing aids! When I said, I'm not interested, I meant I'm not interested! Now kindly remove yourself from my door and get the hell off my porch!"
They both stood there and stared at me, mouths open.
I reiterated, "I said, get!" They finally got the message and started to leave, but I couldn't resist calling out after them, "And don't be littering the neighborhood with your trash! Learn to use a trash can sisters! This a'int your home where you can toss litter willy nilly!"
That got them to stop for a moment and give me a dirty look, so I pressed on, "That's right! I'm talking about you! You litterbugs!" They turned away, held their heads up and kept on marching.