Thursday, August 28, 2008

Lost and Found

One of the worst things about not living in a gated community is having all sorts of characters walk right into the neighborhood and knock on doors. I've had to deal with some of these filthy vermin--con men (people selling magazines), scam artists (Girl Scouts), and beggars (activists seeking signatures for petitions). But the worst of all are the religious nut sacks who somehow have made it their mission to litter the neighborhood with pamphlets of Jesus.

And today, I was looking for something to eat in the kitchen when someone knocked at the door. I looked in the peephole to see two elderly women. One was tall and wore glasses. The other was plump and short. Both wore their gray hair in a tight bun. They didn't look dangerous, so I opened the door slightly.

"Can I help you?" I asked.

The tall one with glasses spoke, "Do you accept Jesus as your personal savior?"

"Excuse me?" I asked.

Now the plump one answered, "Son, these are troubled times. There are signs of the apocalypse nearing. You need Jesus if you want to be saved."

Ah, religious nuts. Trying to be polite, I said, "Thanks, but not interested."

"Not interested?," the plump one spoke, "Are you not interested in going to heaven? Don't you want to live a better life?"

I was starting to get irritated, "Ma'am, my life is just fine. Try someone else."

"A life without Jesus is a life of sin. You'll find yourself in eternal damnation!," said the plump one.

"Lady, I don't need your lectures. I really don't want to talk to you any more. So, please be on your way and have a nice day," I said.

But as I tried to close the door, the tall one put her hand on the door, trying to push it open and proclaimed, "You need to find Jesus!"

And that's when I lost my patience, "I'm not looking for Jesus! If he's lost, try calling the police and put up some missing persons posters! But you best find some manners first! And get some hearing aids! When I said, I'm not interested, I meant I'm not interested! Now kindly remove yourself from my door and get the hell off my porch!"

They both stood there and stared at me, mouths open.

I reiterated, "I said, get!" They finally got the message and started to leave, but I couldn't resist calling out after them, "And don't be littering the neighborhood with your trash! Learn to use a trash can sisters! This a'int your home where you can toss litter willy nilly!"

That got them to stop for a moment and give me a dirty look, so I pressed on, "That's right! I'm talking about you! You litterbugs!" They turned away, held their heads up and kept on marching.


  1. Ha Ha Ha , you better just hope the sisters are not right.....becuase man your DOOMED :-)
    ***Beast polishes halo ***

    When they turn up in pairs in our area , they wait for you to open the door and then just talk to each other about the glories of jesus etc....they might as well just stay at home with a nice cup of tea . I was told however I was doomed to eternal damnation for eating chocolate chip ice cream - spawn of the devil apparently :-(
    See you in hell

  2. That is hilarious! They were no match for you. I wonder though if you are going to open the door one morning to find a prayer circle outside trying to save your immortal soul.

  3. Your use of the phrase "willy nilly" is particularly harsh.

    You should have been a good host and offered them a nice sausage pizza.

    What is Beast doing here first?

  4. Brilliant!

    I had 2 nuns of some rather order coming by ringing my doorbell at 8am every Saturday for 5 weeks. They finally gave up leaving me a business card.

    My brother once had a note stuck to his door saying "all conversations of religious nature must be had through the trash chute at the end of the hall.

    That's the one kool thing my brother ever did.

  5. You should've said, "I did find Jesus, he's right behind you!" And then when they looked, you could slam the door on them.

    Or you could say what Jim Gaffigan says, "Let's wrap it up, I've got some sinnin to do!" ;)

    So far I've been okay in my apartment without too many nut jobs knocking on my door.

  6. Beast, polishing your 'halo' is a sin! I'm sure Jesus would approve of the chocolate chip ice cream.

    I'm usually very patient with people, esp. the elderly, but when that sister tried to force my door open, the situation went from annoying to home invasion! If I had a shot gun, I'd've blown them out of their sensible shoes to kingdom come and the law would've been on my side.

    Snooze, a few warning shots should clear any vermin hanging around the front!

    MJ, I was trying to be hospitable til they decided to turn their little visit into a full scale invasion. And that's when I decided to ditch the Southern hospitality and bring on the Southern hostility!

    CP, 5 weeks? Some people just can't take a hint! That's funny what your brother did.

    I'm usually very tolerant of people, but when that lady put her hand on my door and tried to force it open, that's when I snapped! I was like, 'Oh no you did NOT just try to force your way in uninvited, sister! I'm gonna have to break it down for you!'

    Tara, that's hilarious. I was trying to be polite at first, but it seems that was an invitation for them to be rude! That's when I decided, I'm not turning the other cheek for these rude mofos! And they were all ready on thin ice for sticking pamphlets on the cars and doors and just a mess all over the grounds. But it's the very fact that one of them tried to force my door open that caused me to react aggressively. It was a totally violation of my home and space and I was not going to let them get away with it! I was going to rain hellfire and brimstone upon them!

  7. I know! That was just unacceptable. I would have told them to get away from my house before I call the police. You could have shot them før trespassing though. Couldn't you?

    Or told them Jesus was in your bed with a buttplug up is arse waiting før you

  8. I must try the polite, then harsh approach like you, Eros, as usually, by the time I've boiled up my cauldron of oil to tip over them, they've moved on.

  9. CP, I probably could've shot them and gotten a reward for putting an end to their littering! Then I'd use the money to have their heads stuffed and mounted on my door as a warning to other nut jobs!

    By the way, I know that that particular Jesus! He's a Mexican dude with a boyfriend who lives just down the street! I could've sent the sisters there, but I doubt they'd gotten a better reception!

    IDV, perhaps a good old fashioned stoning would be a faster method to deal with them...well, might as well use the boiling oil to fry some chicken; no need to let it go to waste.

  10. HA! You are SO going to hell!
    See you there.

  11. Donnnn, so long as the heat's dry, it'd be a nice change from all this humidity...I'm sure we'll see a lot of fellow bloggers there as well :)

  12. You could try what a friend of mine did. He answered the door in his robe and then let it fall open while talking. The ladies never came back.