In a few weeks, the Winter Olympics will take place in Vancouver.
But before we get to that excitement, I'd like to take this opportunity and stake a claim on Canada. The Canadian Parliament has been prorogued, which is like putting Parliament on summer vacation. Seeing as how there's no effective Canadian gov't til after the Olympics, I hereby claim all of Canada and rename it North Texas!!! That's right! I'm claiming Canada!
And who's going to stop me? The head of state? Her Majesty, Liz? Please, it's winter now, and everyone knows the UK shuts down every time it snows. She can't leave her house to check the mail, much less cross an entire ocean and a continent in winter! She could fall and break a hip, and her injury might mean Charles becomes King. I don't think Liz is quite ready to give up the throne nor let Camilla near it. The only throne Camilla should sit on is the kind that flushes.
Besides, as an American, I'm not afraid of the monarchy. In fact, Americans have a history of successfully revolting against and overthrowing monarchies, like the Hawaiian one,
Give us your pineapples!!!
The Mexican one,
Yo quiero Taco Bell!!!
And of course, the British one,
Hit the road, Jack!!!
And it's not like the Canadians are going to put up a resistance. They will be too distracted by the hockey and curling games at the Olympics to pay any attention.
There will be a few changes to ease the annexation of Canada aka North Texas.
From now on, British Columbia will be renamed American Columbia.
Saskatchewan will be renamed Sasquatchland.
All Sasquatches (and law abiding, tax paying Wookiee immigrants) will be recognized as citizens and granted the same rights and protection under the laws as all other citizens.
All Canadian Indians will have the same rights and protection as American Indians. Now, they, too, can live in trailer parks and own casinos.
People living in Yukon, Northwest Territories, Nunavut, and New Foundland and Labrador will be given rifles and lots of ammunition to fight off invaders, Sarah Palin, polar bears, and killer seal pups.
She can see us from her house! Start shootin' at her, Chewie!!!
Quebec will be correctly spelled as Kebek.
And as the designated French Quarter of North Texas, Quebec City will now be renamed Lady Marmalade. Carnival will be celebrated in the Spring complete with floats, parades, and lots of drinking and beads to exchange for brief flashes of adult nudity.
The capital of Prince Edward Island, Charlottetown, will be appropriately renamed, Green Gables, and the the entire island will now serve as a wildlife refuge for all redheads--except for Lindsay Lohan and Carrot Top. We want to preserve the endangered species, not pollute its gene pool.
Anyone foolish enough to put up a resistance or talk about separation will be charged with treason and subject to swift, harsh Texas Justice!
And in our efforts to be more environmentally friendly, condemned criminals facing execution will now be placed on an ice floe and sent out to sea. This way, we reduce energy costs and the polar bears get to eat. Any convict who tries to swim back to shore will be shot on sight. If they make it to Greenland, well, then the Danes can do whatever they want with them.
We will register Celine Dion as a weapon of mass destruction. And we are not afraid to unleashed her against any nation foolish enough to mess with North Texas!
Finally, we will restructure the office of Governor General. From now on, anyone who wants to be Governor General will be awarded the post the same way all Crown representatives are chosen:
Through a beauty pageant.
The Governor General Beauty Pageant (scholarship program) will determine the best candidate for the post.
We want to ensure that the Governor General is someone who is talented, intelligent, poised, and looks good in a swimsuit and evening wear.
Welcome to new North Texas, where everything's cleaner (and colder in winter)!!!
We hope you enjoy your stay!