Friday, January 22, 2010

Oh, Canada

In a few weeks, the Winter Olympics will take place in Vancouver.

But before we get to that excitement, I'd like to take this opportunity and stake a claim on Canada. The Canadian Parliament has been prorogued, which is like putting Parliament on summer vacation. Seeing as how there's no effective Canadian gov't til after the Olympics, I hereby claim all of Canada and rename it North Texas!!! That's right! I'm claiming Canada!

And who's going to stop me? The head of state? Her Majesty, Liz? Please, it's winter now, and everyone knows the UK shuts down every time it snows. She can't leave her house to check the mail, much less cross an entire ocean and a continent in winter! She could fall and break a hip, and her injury might mean Charles becomes King. I don't think Liz is quite ready to give up the throne nor let Camilla near it. The only throne Camilla should sit on is the kind that flushes.

Besides, as an American, I'm not afraid of the monarchy. In fact, Americans have a history of successfully revolting against and overthrowing monarchies, like the Hawaiian one,

Give us your pineapples!!!

The Mexican one,

Yo quiero Taco Bell!!!

And of course, the British one,

Hit the road, Jack!!!

And it's not like the Canadians are going to put up a resistance. They will be too distracted by the hockey and curling games at the Olympics to pay any attention.

There will be a few changes to ease the annexation of Canada aka North Texas.

From now on, British Columbia will be renamed American Columbia.

Saskatchewan will be renamed Sasquatchland.

All Sasquatches (and law abiding, tax paying Wookiee immigrants) will be recognized as citizens and granted the same rights and protection under the laws as all other citizens.

All Canadian Indians will have the same rights and protection as American Indians. Now, they, too, can live in trailer parks and own casinos.

People living in Yukon, Northwest Territories, Nunavut, and New Foundland and Labrador will be given rifles and lots of ammunition to fight off invaders, Sarah Palin, polar bears, and killer seal pups.

She can see us from her house! Start shootin' at her, Chewie!!!

Quebec will be correctly spelled as Kebek.

And as the designated French Quarter of North Texas, Quebec City will now be renamed Lady Marmalade. Carnival will be celebrated in the Spring complete with floats, parades, and lots of drinking and beads to exchange for brief flashes of adult nudity.

The capital of Prince Edward Island, Charlottetown, will be appropriately renamed, Green Gables, and the the entire island will now serve as a wildlife refuge for all redheads--except for Lindsay Lohan and Carrot Top. We want to preserve the endangered species, not pollute its gene pool.

Anyone foolish enough to put up a resistance or talk about separation will be charged with treason and subject to swift, harsh Texas Justice!

And in our efforts to be more environmentally friendly, condemned criminals facing execution will now be placed on an ice floe and sent out to sea. This way, we reduce energy costs and the polar bears get to eat. Any convict who tries to swim back to shore will be shot on sight. If they make it to Greenland, well, then the Danes can do whatever they want with them.

We will register Celine Dion as a weapon of mass destruction. And we are not afraid to unleashed her against any nation foolish enough to mess with North Texas!

Finally, we will restructure the office of Governor General. From now on, anyone who wants to be Governor General will be awarded the post the same way all Crown representatives are chosen:

Through a beauty pageant.

The Governor General Beauty Pageant (scholarship program) will determine the best candidate for the post.

We want to ensure that the Governor General is someone who is talented, intelligent, poised, and looks good in a swimsuit and evening wear.

Welcome to new North Texas, where everything's cleaner (and colder in winter)!!!

We hope you enjoy your stay!


  1. Wonderful plan, Eros!

    My suggestion is to incorporate the slogan "Texas -- Bigger Than France" on the license plate, state seal, t-shirts, etc.

  2. I see you've planted the Texas flag on Baffin Island. You can have that. There's lots of space there...

    Oh Hai XL! Isn't Texas already bigger than already?

    As long as you don't have state income tax, I won't mind the take over.

  3. In a few weeks, the Winter Olympics will take place in Vancouver.

    MUST you remind me?

    *bitch slaps Eros*

  4. PS: Slogan for North Texas: "Bigger Than Alaska!"

    Oh Hai Ponita, MJ!

  5. XL, I like the slogan! We'll even put up signs carrying the slogan when people drive into the state.

    Even better, we'll put up the slogans on those seal pups!

    Ponita, No income tax! Baffin Island is a strategic point. When global warming finally melts all the ice caps, Baffin Island will become a tropical beach resort!

    MJ, Yes! I luv the Olympics! Here's to hoping that some actual bitch slapping scandals rock the Winter Olympics as usual.

    Don't trust the judges!

    XL, Ha! Excellent! We can also add: "We also have indoor plumbing."

  6. Eroswings:

    The Vancouver Games will be rained and tranferred to wherever you are in Texas.

  7. Noooooooooo! Don't mess with my beautiful Quebec! Mind you, Quebec may be happy to align with Texas rather than Canada. Also, Qu'Appelle [First Nations area] in Saskatchewan owns much of the land already.

    But I would be fine with your gay mayor (sorry, the city eludes me, but I know it's in Texas. Dallas? Houston?)

  8. Chris x2, If it rains, then we'll have to substitute some indoor summer games for the outdoor winter ones...we'll use synchronized swimming! There can never be too much synchronized swimming!

    Snooze, That would be Houston, the biggest city in Texas, 4th largest in the country, that voted in Annise Parker as mayor!

    Since there is so much flat land in Sasquatchland, we'll turn that area into our new Las Vegas, complete with tall resorts, casinos, restaurants and shops, and topless revues to entertain the masses during the long, cold winters and hot summers. The neons lights will be seen by the bordering provinces and territories!

  9. good idea, we need more vacation spots where i don't need to carry my passport, sugar! xoxoxox

  10. Savannah, We sure do! And we can even take the train all the way up there--a nice alternative to the airport. We could even sample the famous Canadian cuisine of picked beaver and some seal flipper pie. And we could try out that famous Canadian restaurant, Tim Hortons.

  11. Luv Timmie's!!! Half coffee, half hot chocolate.... best there is.

    Aren't they having to make snow for the skiing events? Don't know why they picked a place that rains all winter (all year, in fact) other than the fact that it has real mountains.

    Unlike here... We have Springhill just outside Winnipeg, with an ear popping elevation of 130 feet...

    I know, I know... I died laughing when I first heard of it too. But people actually go there! When you live in a place that is literally as flat as a table top, you take what you can get.

    I, myself, have never set foot (ski) on it... and never will.

  12. HAHAHA!
    I apologise for my abscence but I have been parked on Facebook for a month and have almost worn out my welcome :)

    Look we fully expect Uncle Sam to march up up here so that's why we are rushing the legalisation of gay marriage and marijuana and anti gun laws to make it as unpalatable as possible.

    Conan said that NBC expects to lose about $200M on the Winter Olympics..I believe that because, well, who the hell watches them?

    If you would be kind enough to give me a day's notice so that I can move to Australia that would be awesome.

  13. Ponita, Half coffee and half hot chocolate sounds like a fantastic drink!

    As for brining in snow to Vancouver for the skiing events, yeah, I saw that, too, on the news. El Nino is back! It's fascinating to me how they're going to bring in all that snow by helicopter. That's a lot of snow to haul! I would think that having snow is the most important requirement when choosing a place for the winter Olympics.

    You're right, a 130ft hill is better than nothing! And it's 5ft taller than the highest elevation in Houston.

    Donn, We've been preparing for integration with the Great White North for decades now. Americans have come to rely on Canadians for delivering news, hosting games shows, and entertaining us. And American tv/films showing in Canada were done to make Canadians identify (and tolerate and adapt to) American culture--we think it's working! Now, if you manage to take back Celine Dion, we will pull back and stay within our own borders.

    NBC sure will lose 200 million--the first 100 million will go to Conan, while the 2nd is lost advertising revenue when the audience starts tuning out NBC late night!

    We'll do better than give you notice of the conquest. We'll give you a ride to Australia as we move to take over them, too! Just as soon as we relocate the Great Whites, the box jellies, the poisonous snakes, and the crocodiles.

  14. Dear Eros,
    What a lovley thought, Your excitement about the winter olympics is admirable considering Texas has no snow.
    I'm just off to feed my great whites, box jellies, poisonous snakes and crocodiles in anticipation of your arrival.
    Oh... and did I mention the Blue- ringed octopus, which will leave you breathless in seconds, Emu's and Kangaroos will give you a nasty kicking and Cassowarys have been known to kill unsuspecting tourists in defense of their young. Not to mention the Trapdoor and Redback Spiders. And Sting rays are pretty good at identifying "over the top" media tarts.
    I'll just pop the kettle on shall I?

  15. Princess, I luv the Olympics--actually, I like the summer games much more than the winter games, because of the variety of fun, fantastic sports. But when it comes to scandals-- bribes, crooked judges and backstabbing, evil scheming competitors--nothing tops the winter Olympics! I can't wait for this year's scandals!

    Please, go ahead on feed the animals; that way, they won't be hungry when I start my conquest, er, visit of Australia. Blue ringed octopus...aka Octopussy, my fave of the Roger Moore 007 Bond films! I wanted to live on the island of women--those acrobatic, hot, sexy warrior women!

    I look forward to barbequed emus and kangaroos. I'm packing some bug spray and a flyswatter. I may have a beach party and invite all those media whores for a swim--hopefully, the sting rays and Great whites will be in attendance.

    Thank you the tea! I like it hot or iced, please.

  16. I think the other Olympics is coming here sometime soon. There has been talk. I don't know where we're going to put everyone up.
    Anyhow, perhaps you could invade us then?

  17. Scarlet B, I luv the Olympics! You get to meet all sorts of wonderful people from the world over!

    I'm sure they can fit a lot of people over in Cornwall and Wales. And if you need more space, then it's time to get back Aquitaine and Calais!

  18. Did someone mention pierogies?

  19. ***slaps Miss MJ***
    Wash your mouth out you filthy baggage.
    Miss MJ will soon be one of your loyal subjects Mr E....that will teach you

  20. *chases after Beast with lacrosse stick*

  21. MJ, Bring on the dumplings!

    Beast, We are implementing a system to deal with trouble makers: We will exile them to Alaska to live with Sarah Palin.

    MJ, I take it your hockey stick is in the shop, eh?

  22. Claiming Canada and renaming it North Texas is a smart idea. When we flew to Calgary, we had to have a layover in Texas. Coincidence? Hmmm...

  23. Tara, When you fly to North Texas, you have a direct connection! No more layovers! And flights will now serve complimentary pecans.

  24. I love the idea of Sasquatchland being populated by Wookies. In fact, I just love the idea of somewhere called Sasquatchland!

  25. IDV, I think it's about time that Sasquatches, Wookie immigrants, and other non human, intelligent life minorities are granted the same rights and protections as all other citizens in New Texas.

    We're also in talks with the lake monsters in order to establish their own sovereign nations to deal with local lake monster affairs, under the protection of the North Texas gov't.

  26. Yes, do send them to Greenland. They are all alcoholics and rapists up there and I see no danger adding to that mix but let's keep them up there.

  27. CP, Ah, it'll be just like prison, then. And they'll become food for the polar bears and walruses in Greenland!

  28. "...and everyone knows the UK shuts down every time it snows"

    Actually, a stiff *breeze* blowing in the wrong direction can be pretty catastrophic...



  29. That's good to know.

    *Adds large fans in the plans for invading the UK*

    Welcome, Roberta Swipe!

  30. Are there polar bears in Greenland? I hope so.

    They are gorgeous. I saw my first real life polar bear in San Diego this summer. It was amazing, it beat even the Panda bears. They are really stuck up.

  31. CP, There sure are polar bears in Greenland!

    The first polar bears I saw were in a Chicago Zoo! They were former circus polar bears. They were very playful, teasing the crowd. They faked running towards the pool and everyone thought they'd jump in the water, but they stopped at the last minute. It was funny, esp. since they did it like three times before they just stood up and sort of waved, then left for lunch!

    I'm not surprised those panda bears seem stuck up--I blame the Chinese for treating those pandas like they're all that and a bag of chips!

    P.S. The Aalborg Zoo in Denmark has world famous polar bears!

  32. You are kidding! I had no idea we had those. I have even visited that park. The giraff ate my Popsicle there!!!

    Who'd have thought the Chinese would teach someone/thing that it's better than others. I thought they were Communists the whole lot.

  33. Which bit of America is canada?

  34. CP, How dare that giraffe steal your Popsicle! Although, it does make for a fascinating story. Well, now you know you don't have to travel out of the country to see the fun polar bears; perhaps you'll find a weekend or a holiday free to go visit them. Just eat your Popsicle before you get near those thieving giraffes!

    Mutley, That would be the just north of us; Canada is the nice backyard of America. They just don't know it yet.