How to survive a Haunted House

So you want to know how to survive a haunted house. And I'm not talking about those staged ones with the actors and props. I'm talking about a real haunted house, complete with either supernatural or superpscycho killers. Given my few experiences with the otherworldly and with research from watching plenty of horror films and tv shows, I've decided to share some tips on how you can survive a haunted house.


The first and most important tip of surviving a haunted house is Do Not Go into the Haunted House! Seriously, especially on Halloween night! That's when all the ghosts and psychos come out and start killing people.

If some old person, some gypsy, some psychic, or even some animal gives you a warning about the haunted house, then you better pay attention and not go in the damn haunted house! And don't go inside for some stupid reason like on a dare or to win some prize! Because you can't gloat to your friends or spend that prize money when you're as dead as the the presidents on them dollars! And if you went in the haunted house to satisfy some morbid curiosity or to try and prove the existence of ghosts, well then it's your own stupid fault when the monsters come after you and chop you into little pieces.

The second tip of surviving a haunted house is Be Prepared! That means you need to arm yourself!

If you're not a slayer nor a hunter of the supernatural, then you best get yourself a gun and learn how to use it! The more guns, the better. If you don't have a gun, then take some knives. They're good for cutting through ropes when the sociopath leaves you tied up and goes to prepare his tools to take off your skin and wear it like a dress. A sharp silver knife can kill a psycho, a werewolf, and other preternatural creatures when stabbed directly into the heart or brain. A sharp pointy stick to the heart can kill any crazy person and vampires trying to suck you dry. And take some salt! Salt repels evil spirits. And you can use it to blind the psycho killer coming after you with a buzz saw! It'll buy you some time to get away. Anything can be a weapon, even a wire hanger.

The third tip is Don't Let Your Guard Down! You're not safe in a haunted house! Anything can happen.

If by chance you do manage to kill the psycho or creature, don't just stop and rest, thinking it's all over! You need to make sure that mofo is dead! You need to stab him in the heart and cut off his head! Those evil mofos tend to jump back to life and try to kill you as soon as you turn your back or start crying like a little baby! It's not over til you're out of the haunted house and far beyond the reach of evil! Even then, you need to stay ready because sometimes, they come back and you have to do some serious ass kicking all over again!

And finally, Never Go Alone! There's strength in numbers. Do not get separated from the group! That's how the killers and the evil spirits start picking off people, one by one!

If you're the one putting together the group, remember, no chicks allowed! Girls, especially big boobed blond ones in tight clothing, always get killed! Unless you're taking Xena Warrior Princess or Lara Croft with you, don't take any girls in your group! And for f*ck's sake! Do not, I repeat, Do not have sex in the haunted house! That guarantees your death! You'll be too tired to run for your life when the ghosts or the killers come after you! Evil spirits and deranged killers always spy on the couple who had sex and then kill them!

Remember, don't get separated from the group! If for some godforsaken reason you do get split up, then there are some things you need to remember. Big boobed blonds always get killed first, especially when they're wearing heels. You can't run in heels! You'll trip and fall and that's how the monster catches you! Minorities always get killed when they're by themselves. If you are a minority, you're best bet is to stick with the busty blond bimbo in the group. That way, when the killer comes after you, chances are gravity and bad choice of footwear will cause the blonde to trip, break an ankle, and distract the killer while you get away! Don't look back! Just keep on running!

I hope you remember these survival tips when you're out trick or treating...or just turning tricks.

Feel free to share any helpful haunted house survival tips with us!

Happy Halloween!