Friday, October 30, 2009

How to survive a Haunted House

So you want to know how to survive a haunted house. And I'm not talking about those staged ones with the actors and props. I'm talking about a real haunted house, complete with either supernatural or superpscycho killers. Given my few experiences with the otherworldly and with research from watching plenty of horror films and tv shows, I've decided to share some tips on how you can survive a haunted house.

The first and most important tip of surviving a haunted house is Do Not Go into the Haunted House! Seriously, especially on Halloween night! That's when all the ghosts and psychos come out and start killing people.

If some old person, some gypsy, some psychic, or even some animal gives you a warning about the haunted house, then you better pay attention and not go in the damn haunted house! And don't go inside for some stupid reason like on a dare or to win some prize! Because you can't gloat to your friends or spend that prize money when you're as dead as the the presidents on them dollars! And if you went in the haunted house to satisfy some morbid curiosity or to try and prove the existence of ghosts, well then it's your own stupid fault when the monsters come after you and chop you into little pieces.

The second tip of surviving a haunted house is Be Prepared! That means you need to arm yourself!

If you're not a slayer nor a hunter of the supernatural, then you best get yourself a gun and learn how to use it! The more guns, the better. If you don't have a gun, then take some knives. They're good for cutting through ropes when the sociopath leaves you tied up and goes to prepare his tools to take off your skin and wear it like a dress. A sharp silver knife can kill a psycho, a werewolf, and other preternatural creatures when stabbed directly into the heart or brain. A sharp pointy stick to the heart can kill any crazy person and vampires trying to suck you dry. And take some salt! Salt repels evil spirits. And you can use it to blind the psycho killer coming after you with a buzz saw! It'll buy you some time to get away. Anything can be a weapon, even a wire hanger.

The third tip is Don't Let Your Guard Down! You're not safe in a haunted house! Anything can happen.

If by chance you do manage to kill the psycho or creature, don't just stop and rest, thinking it's all over! You need to make sure that mofo is dead! You need to stab him in the heart and cut off his head! Those evil mofos tend to jump back to life and try to kill you as soon as you turn your back or start crying like a little baby! It's not over til you're out of the haunted house and far beyond the reach of evil! Even then, you need to stay ready because sometimes, they come back and you have to do some serious ass kicking all over again!

And finally, Never Go Alone! There's strength in numbers. Do not get separated from the group! That's how the killers and the evil spirits start picking off people, one by one!

If you're the one putting together the group, remember, no chicks allowed! Girls, especially big boobed blond ones in tight clothing, always get killed! Unless you're taking Xena Warrior Princess or Lara Croft with you, don't take any girls in your group! And for f*ck's sake! Do not, I repeat, Do not have sex in the haunted house! That guarantees your death! You'll be too tired to run for your life when the ghosts or the killers come after you! Evil spirits and deranged killers always spy on the couple who had sex and then kill them!

Remember, don't get separated from the group! If for some godforsaken reason you do get split up, then there are some things you need to remember. Big boobed blonds always get killed first, especially when they're wearing heels. You can't run in heels! You'll trip and fall and that's how the monster catches you! Minorities always get killed when they're by themselves. If you are a minority, you're best bet is to stick with the busty blond bimbo in the group. That way, when the killer comes after you, chances are gravity and bad choice of footwear will cause the blonde to trip, break an ankle, and distract the killer while you get away! Don't look back! Just keep on running!

I hope you remember these survival tips when you're out trick or treating...or just turning tricks.

Feel free to share any helpful haunted house survival tips with us!

Happy Halloween!


  1. You can't run in heels!

    You put that bit in for CyberPete, didn't you?

  2. For the next 24hrs I am not a big boobed blonde wearing heels. I am in disguise so I won't be killed first. I am also wearing crocs.

  3. stay drunk, sugar! that's the advice i'm following! xoxoxoxo

  4. I'm the Xena, Warrior Princess type. I may have big boobs but I don't wear heels and I'm not a dumb blonde.

    A flame thrower is handy too. ;-)

  5. What was that bloodcurdling scream?

    Oh, I must go and investigate it - all alone at midnight in my underwear.

  6. MJ, The only people who can really run in heels are hookers fleeing from cops! And because they're hookers, they always get killed in the haunted house!

    I don't know if CP can run in heels...or if he is a hooker for that matter ;)

    Scarlet B, Smart thinking! It's always the ones who think quick on their (sensibly shoed) feet who survive!

    Savannah, Now that's an excellent reason not to go into a haunted house! There's no alcohol in the haunted house! Why waste time running for your life in the haunted house when you could be running a drink tab at the bar?

    Ponita, A flamethrower is a good idea! Yeah, we need strong people on the team to survive the haunted house--No wimps! That includes whiny men, too!

    Kapi, It always rains or the sprinklers go off at the haunted house when someone in their underwear walks in. Now we're all going to see your nipples and jewels through your wet underwear!

  7. Blast you, Eros! You and your ruddy tips. How am I supposed to lure people to their doom now?

  8. Don't worry, IDV; there are always some horny college students who think it's so cool to investigate a haunted house. I believe they're called idiots! The human gene pool would do well without their contributions.

  9. HA that was great.
    Every time I watch a Horror/Suspense Thriller-Chiller type movie I am astonished that the audience all expect those rules to be followed? We know exactly who is going to get bumped off and we're yelling at the screen DON'T DO THAT YOU IDIOT!

    Especially when someone says I'll check the basement to see if I can find the fuse box and get the lights back on HELLO!?

    Or the Blonde freezes at the foot of the stairs while the others keep going. Oh COME ON!

    The formulaic features that Hollywood keeps churning our baffle me..I'm interested in seeing that INDIE flick.."Paranormal Activity" was made for less than $15,000 and has grossed a whopping $65.1 million and counting!!
    Now that's scary :)

  10. Donn, You're exactly right about Hollywood churning out the same old plots! That Paranormal one looks interesting. For the past few years, if I want to see creative, original horror films, I have to look at the Japanese films and other Asian films. Those people can make some really disturbing but fascinating horror films!

    But to this day, the scariest movie I've ever seen was Jaws! Because there really are man eating sharks out there!

  11. These are very helpful tips. I actually did go into an allegedly haunted prison three times for a ghost hunt. I went with a bus full of other crazies, so I was not alone. Nor did I want to get separated from the tour guides.

  12. I'm sticking with Ponita. She's also got that big Viking ax thingy.

  13. Come now, didn't Buffy teach us all that women can be hot, go into all types of evil situations, and still kick ass? I'm going to channel her before entering a haunted house!

  14. Tara, That was very smart of you to stick with the tour guide. Being lost and alone makes one a very easy target. And you know the tour guide knows all the exits if you have to flee!

    XL, I think we'll all get out alive if we stick with Ponita! At least we know if we get injured, she's got other skills to keep us alive.

    Snooze, Buffy would definitely be a kick ass person in the haunted house; however, her character in the Grudge sucked!

    She just laid there and watched the creepy killer ghost slither down the stairs. I kept thinking, come on Buffy! Don't just stare! Kick that ghost's ass! And I was also thinking, Why isn't your boyfriend using his alien powers like he did in Roswell?

  15. As I clatter off on my high heels in my blonde wig and strap on comedy breasts......someone is in for a nasty suprise...he he he

  16. Beast, They'll be surprised all right!