Thursday, October 8, 2009

I say again, once was enough

So I finally managed to finish this meme. I've all ready posted the first half of the 10 experiences I'd rather not repeat. I meant to finish this earlier, but it took a lot longer than I had planned. As you may have noticed, some of my posts are very long, but I've tried to keep only the essentials. I've had to change a few things, because the truth is, there really are a lot of experiences that I'd rather not repeat (and wish I could forget). And I admit that I debated over how much of my personal life I could disclose while still maintaining some semblance of anonymity. Weird, right? But in the spirit of good fun, here are the last 5 of the 10 experiences I'd rather not repeat:

6) Being hassled by the cops.

I may have mentioned this before. I've run into trouble with the law a few times. Once, I kept putting off doing the laundry, because I was lazy and I was out of detergent. Then I realized that I had no more clean clothes, and I had to work the next day. So I put on the only clean clothes I had--an old white T shirt, shrunken to a size too small, and an old pair of tight faded jeans with holes and tears along the thighs and below the back pockets. I lived in a shady part of town, and I had to walk to the convenience store to buy some laundry detergent. During my leisurely stroll to the store, a patrol car pulled over and the policemen stopped me for questioning. I was almost arrested, because the cops mistook me for a prostitute!

7) Hanging out with a friend's idiotic husband.

I was in Las Vegas with some friends. One of them decided to bring her husband along. He was the odd one out; everyone else knew each other. So, being the nice guy (and idiot) that I was, I decided to make an effort to get to know him and help him feel at ease in the group. And it was no easy feat, because this guy was standoffish and didn't want to go out clubbing or see a show like the rest of us.

That first night in Vegas, we walked towards the Strip. On the way, we came across a strip club that advertised a 'Free' show. The husband wanted to go in; he said that he often frequented strip clubs. I tried to tell him that there's no such thing as a 'Free' strip show. You're going to pay one way or another. No one else wanted to go in, but the husband was adamant that we should go inside the dingy old building with the blacked out, filthy windows. Finally, someone said that if we were going to split up, then we ought to meet up in an hour at Treasure Island.

Everyone else started walking again, except for the husband who looked at his wife to see if she was going inside the club with him. She wasn't. Then, the dude just went towards the entrance, and left us standing outside. My friend was upset, so I sighed and told her to go with group, and I'll go inside and make sure her (stupid) husband would be okay.

He was waiting for me by the door, tapping his foot impatiently--talk about rude! And while we didn't pay an entrance fee, there was a two drink minimum. And he didn't have any cash or credit cards on him--his wife was holding their money! So I had to pay for his two drinks. I was pissed off because I didn't want to be inside in the first place! I was also the designated driver, so I couldn't order any liquor. Instead, I ended up paying $20 for my two glasses of watered down Coke!

It reeked inside the club--cigarette smoke and some sort of heavy floral scent that failed to cover the old, musty stink of odors whose origins I'd rather not think about. The dimmed lights did little to hide the scarred, tired bodies of dancers way past their prime, who couldn't dance or were just too wasted to give a damn. Not even their clear heels and glow in the dark G strings could make them look appealing. We stayed for ten minutes--long enough for me to finish my Coke flavored ice water. After that, I stopped trying to please that jackass. Instead, I spent the rest of the time doing what I wanted and enjoying Las Vegas.

8) Being present at childbirth.

No matter what anyone says, there's nothing beautiful about childbirth. A friend asked me to be with her in the delivery room while she gave birth. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen! There is nothing beautiful about giving birth. It is horrible, for everyone involved!

She was moody and ranting and angry like she was possessed! She kept yelling 'Hold my hand!', 'Don't touch me!', 'Don't leave me!' over and over again. I was thinking, Make up your mind you crazy woman! Every time she screamed, I felt her pain! I cringed. I kept thinking, Did they give her enough drugs? Seriously? And is there anyway they could give me some drugs? And she was squeezing my hand really hard. But the truly terrifying part was watching that baby start to come out!

It was like that movie Aliens, where the parasite bursts forth from the human host. When that baby started crowning, it was horrible! Just ghastly! Her secret lady place started to swell, then it began to rip apart as this round object started to make its exit! It was awful and terrifying to watch that baby bust its way out of such a tiny space! First came the head, and it was covered with a disgusting film of body fluids and human tissue. Then a shoulder and an arm came out and then a pause. For a chilling moment, I thought, Good lord! It's stuck! Then a few more pushes and the whole baby just slid right out. And it looked revolting covered in grime and fluids that I'd rather not think about.

But the horror didn't stop there. Oh no. I was trying not to think about how her secret lady place would never be the same after that trauma. Suddenly, this shiny wet sac of meat just slid out of her! It was the afterbirth. No one told me about the afterbirth! I mean, I knew that babies came out of the vajayjay during birth, but no one warned me about the afterbirth! It was repulsive! I thought, Oh my gawd! Her insides have fallen out!

After seeing that, I knew that I would never, ever want to be there during a childbirth again. No, thank you. The real miracle of childbirth is that women still want to have babies and push them out the natural way. I'm a big fan of the C section now. I understand now why it is women who bear the children. Because if it was up to men, the human species would've been extinct a long time ago! Whoever said that childbirth was a beautiful experience is either lying or high on drugs!

9) Getting a sports physical.

When I was in high school, I underwent a sports physical. It was a very disturbing experience. For one thing, we were all lined up in our underpants. Then we were told to drop them while the doctor grabbed our nuts and told us to turn our heads and cough. But when that doctor put on his gloves and told us to bend over and spread 'em, I was like, I don't think so! What is this, prison? This ain't no private boarding school for boys !

I said, "No, thanks. I've had enough." And when the coach asked me what the problem was, I said, "Y'all ready done felt up my jewels and it was completely unsatisfactory on my end. So unless someone's buying me dinner and getting me off, there ain't going to be any poking and probing!"

Hey, I don't drop my pants just for anyone, ya know.

10) Getting way too drunk.

When I was younger, I was kind of wild. I was living with a bunch of other guys my age. We worked just so we'd have money to party. I didn't realize that I was such a drunk until years later. But I do remember when I decided to be more prudent when it came to drinking. We went to Spring Break. All we did was go to the beach, go to bars and clubs, try to hook up with other Spring Breakers and just drink, drink, and drink. It was a fun week.

One morning, I woke up, feeling sore all over. It took me a few minutes to realize that I didn't recognize the room, and there were strangers sleeping in the bed with me! I was kind of freaked out, but then I told myself, well, I'm alive, so that's good. The clock on the bedside table showed it was just past seven in the morning. I was really sore and cramped and struggled to sit up. I hurt all over. Then I realized that I was nekkid! I found my underpants and shorts on the floor, but I couldn't put on my shirt because it was dirty and smelled like cigarettes and alcohol. My pockets were empty. I thought about using the bathroom to wash up, but there was someone passed out in the doorway. I made my way to the door and exited quietly, which was hard to do, considering every move I made caused my back to ache and burn all over.

I tried to find my way back to our hotel; people were staring at me, some gasping, others shook their heads disapprovingly. I bet I looked like a mess; I sure felt like a mess. But I tried to maintain some semblance of dignity, held my head up high, and refused to acknowledge that I was undertaking the walk of shame. When I finally found our hotel, I pounded on the door and hoped one of the guys was there to let me in. They let me in and asked what the hell happened to me. I told them that I had no clue, as my memory was a little fuzzy. They laughed at that; and when I said that my back was hurting, they laughed even harder. I didn't see what was so funny, so they told me to look in the mirror. I did, and while I did look like a mess, it was nothing they hadn't seen before. But then they said, turn around and look at your back in the mirror. So I did, and I was shocked to see welts, beginning bruises, and some long scratches all over my back! What the hell? Did I get hit by a bus?

My friends refreshed my memory of the previous day's events. We went to the beach, started drinking, met some girls, and hung out with them for a while. Then the girls wanted to go clubbing. So we skipped dinner, went home for a quick change and met the girls at the club, where we proceeded to drink some more. Apparently, I had lots of shots when I wasn't dancing. Then one of the girls joined a wet T shirt contest. And I had a few more drinks and was easily convinced to join the wet undies contest, where I won a $200 to spend on more drinks. Then we went to the girls place and had a good time. And when we left to go back to our place, I had the brilliant idea to spend the rest of prize money on more alcohol. Along the way, we started rough housing. Then I had them carry me on their shoulders for laughs, except they dropped me on my back; and when they let me down to walk some steps, I lost my footing, fell back and slid down some steps (That explained the welts and bruising). I just got back up and laughed with them before we found a club, where we had more drinks, more dancing, and more laughs. I ended up making out with a drunk chick, who fondled me in public view, then let me take off her underwear to add to the collection of undies on the bar wall before we disappeared together.

Good lord, was I embarrassed after my friends finished telling me! It also made some fuzzy memories make sense. That dream where I was in my undies in public in a compromising position, yeah, not really a dream. I remember thinking it had felt good when it rained, except it didn't rain. It was pitchers of water being poured on me during the wet undies contest. After that, I decided to be a lot more discreet when it came to drinking.

And that's it. The rest of the meme, the 10 experiences that I'd rather not repeat. I kind of wish I didn't have some of them in the first place. But I'd like to think of them as life lessons. And some things are best learned the hard way.

 Related Links:
The Boys of Summer
Brothers and Sisters
Once was enough
The Good Intentioned Samaritan
The thing about fathers
Veterans Day reflection
Soda Pop


  1. wow! and we'll never speak of these things again, sugar! ;~D xoxoxox

  2. I've never laughed so hard in my life. I mean - oops, sorry for your experiences. You tell a great story Eros. I loved your take on childbirth. That's such a wonderful, non-sentimental account of it. As for your drunk story - it's great, but good for you for taking it as a sign to cut down. I went through similar (not quite to the extent of waking up somewhere strange)

  3. Oh yes I dont miss the drunken experiences of youth . Some people keep the afterbirth and fry it up with onion.........its very god for you apparently

  4. I would like to do #10, except the dropping on the back and sliding down the stairs parts.

  5. Hello! Just a' visiting! This is an incredible collection of never-to-be-repeateds (I read the rest of it too). I have to say, having given birth to a child myself, no one should be present at childbirth, not even the mother! Just kidding...sort of...

    Great list. You're brave.

  6. I'll bet you looked hot in your tiny t-shirt and ripped jeans! ;-D

    Yeah, I can see why you wouldn't want to repeat any of those. Good description of birthing... Never done it myself (and won't ever now cuz I'm too old) but it seems the joy of seeing that baby cancels out the memories of the pain.

    Great list, Eros!

  7. I put on the only clean clothes I had--an old white T shirt, shrunken to a size too small, and an old pair of tight faded jeans with holes and tears along the thighs and below the back pockets

    I’ll be back later to read the rest of the post.

    I have a rather urgent matter to attend to now.


  8. Well you had a good heart for trying to make that guy feel like part of the group, but how horrible to be dragged into that place! I'm glad you decided to do what you wanted to do after that and leave the guy on his own. Some people are just meant to go it by themselves.

  9. My imagined 'you in the "hassled by the cops"' outfit more than made up for the horror of that disgusting childbirth experience.


    Where's 'Petra? Did he pass out before commenting?

  10. That's the funniest [and probably the trueist] description of childbirth I've ever read!
    Yep, Mr Beastie is right... some people do a fry up with the afterbirth... and afterbirth also ends up in cosmetics.

  11. Savannah, Some of these experience had been repressed for years until this meme came along! But I'd like to think that I'm smarter now for having experienced them.

    Snooze, Some of the stuff is funny now--it certainly wasn't when it happened. But I lived through it. Although, I've mastered not rolling my eyes when people talk about how wonderful childbirth is--I'd have to be really, really drunk to experience that again!

    Beast, I'll take the fried onion, but hold the afterbirth, please.

    XL, It's always fun hanging out with friends. But yeah, I could've done without being dropped and sliding down the stairs, and it would've been nice to have kept some sense of decorum. I didn't drink anything but water when taking painkillers for the rest of the day.

    Leah, Ha! Thanks and Welcome!

    I cringed when I thought about some of my experiences, but I think that childbirth is on a level of torture all by itself! Only a masochist would enjoy the childbirth experience!

    You're truly a brave woman for having a child.

  12. Ponita, Thanks. I looked hot enough to make the cops want to arrest me.

    When they handed my friend her baby, she was all smiles and laughter--and I thought to myself, Oh now the drugs kick in. Either that or the hormones!

    MJ, Did you have to check up on your laundry?

    Tara, Yeah, it's no fun going to a place you don't want to go to in the first place--and it turns out to be really, really awful! But the rest of the vacation was fun.

    And I still try to make newcomers feel at ease in the group. Some habits are just really, really hard to change :)

    IDV, Those cops should've arrested that baby for vandalizing my friend's secret lady place!

    Scarlet B, I'm using humor to deal with the post traumatic stress of having seen childbirth! And I'm afraid of drinking too much again, lest I sully my respectable reputation....again.

    I can't believe that people eat afterbirth. Well, they eat snails, so why not...but still, ewwww...That's just nasty people use afterbirth for cosmetics. Aren't they afraid of smelling like baby poop and using baby piss on their faces? That stuff doesn't work!

  13. I suppose the whole childbirth thing would have a different slant to it if it was *your* offspring emerging into the world.

    But I can't say... as I've never done it myself. And I sure as hell ain't gonna start now!!

  14. Ponita, I think that women who undergo childbirth repress the trauma! Otherwise, they'd stop having more children!

    But thank goodness for them, or we wouldn't be here.

    I still think it was gross and horrific how that baby came out. The horror! The horror! I never want to see that again!

  15. Did you have to check up on your laundry?
    I bet she was sitting on the washer on fast spin AGAIN

  16. Then I realized that I was nekkid!

    Have I just wandered into the dream sequence portion of your show?

  17. Beast: Oh right.

    Like you know anything about laundry.

  18. Beast, Better she sits on the washing machine than a houseboy--I'd imagine the washer being more useful.

    MJ x2, Nope; you've wandered into the morning after portion of the show!

    Beast does wash dishes; so maybe he ought be doing laundry in the kitchen sink at Cafe C. I'm sure that scrub glove would do wonders on the unmentionables.

  19. This is fantastic! I love the way that you write..I could read an entire really should write a whole coming of age book..thinly veiled of course..a Summer of 42 type novel.

    #8 I've watched all 4 of my kids and yes if I hadn't been overwhelmed and sobbing I would have prolly be totally grossed out..I'm thinking Yikes how the hell is that thing ever going to feel the same again and then I see those little mushed up faces and waaaaaah?

    #5 Hooker..hahaha..and #6 taking on the friend's husband was noble but she should not have brought him and he was her responsibility..especially if he is such a tool! You'
    re just too nice.

    #9 How rude! Public nutt n butt inspections? Hello! Did you go to a Catholic school?

    #10 This is an awesome the very least it should be made into a video. You were really in the ZONE that night eh? Hahaha...I have a few of those that are mercifully vague..hahahaha...the miracle of alcohol...if you tried that now you'd either be in the hospital or on TMZ.


  20. Donn, Thank you so much! I'm over the moon that you enjoyed my posts.

    I smiled when you talked about being there for your kids debut into the world. Ponita is right; childbirth takes on a nicer and more precious view when it's your kid coming out.

    That tool who married my friend was completely anti social. I'm not sure what my friend sees in him, but that's love for ya!

    Ha! I luv that apt phrase, Public nutt n butt inspections, because it really captures the experience! This was a public high school, and the whole experience left me feeling uncomfortable--Where's the payoff? I mean, even crack whores get paid for dropping their pants and having someone fondle them!

    I'm not sure if that Spring Break experience should be a comedy or an after school special. Perhaps both! I was in the zone, which happens sometimes when I least expect it and just go with the flow. I'm just glad I had just enough alcohol to numb the pain and suppress the memories until the next day. Other than my reputation getting sullied, again, I thankful that I lived through the experience intact.

  21. Extremely funny! I had the horrifying experience of being at a cesarean section birth!!! It was a nightmare - I still wake up screaming...

  22. Mutley, Yikes! That child birth is one of the most traumatizing things I've ever witnessed, and I've seen some pretty horrible things.