Oceans 3, 4, 5

I was watching the news and there was a report of a widening rift in Africa, specifically in Ethiopia, that would someday in the future become an ocean. While I generally find science interesting, I was stumped when the news report mentioned that there were currently five oceans. Five? What the...? When did that happen? Did a major continental shift occur while I was sleeping?

It's like the time I found out about the food pyramid. I was in college when this girl started talking about the food pyramid. And I was thinking to myself, food pyramid? Is she talking about Egyptian foods? When the hell did they change the four food groups? Imagine my surprise when I did a little research and learned that the US Dept of Agriculture was pushing this idea of a food pyramid, instead of the four food groups.

I remember the four basic food groups--fruits and vegetables; meat and poultry and fish; grains; and dairy. Sure it wasn't perfect, I mean, I wondered why beans and nuts were in the meat group, when they really came from plants. I suppose it would've made more sense to rename the meat group as the protein group. But as imperfect as the four food groups was, I still use it. Besides, this whole food pyramid thing is still being sorted out by the government. Now they've added a set of steps and rainbow colors to the food pyramid! So until they figure out a better way to classify foods, I'm sticking with the four food groups.

I needed to find out more about these five oceans the news report mentioned. A quick google search for ocean led me to discover that the consensus is that there really is just one ocean. However, some organizations say that there are four oceans, while others say five! Other agencies still say three, which I know are the Pacific ocean, the Atlantic ocean, and the Indian ocean.

National Geographic, the magazine that publishes fotos of topless native women and nekkid people in the interests of science, says that there is a fourth ocean. It's called the Arctic ocean! Has climate change all ready melted all the ice at the top of the world?

Meanwhile, the National Ocean and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), the government weather and marine agency that tracks and names hurricanes for the US, says that there are five oceans! The fifth Ocean is the Southern Ocean. Apparently, the International Hydrographic Organization decided to draw a line around the southern parts of the Pacific, Atlantic, and Indian oceans and called that region around Antarctica the Southern Ocean.

But the hilarious thing is, while all agree that there are 3 main oceans, the traditional Pacific, Atlantic, and Indian oceans, they cannot agree on whether the Arctic and Southern oceans really are oceans! I still think that there are only 3 main oceans. The other two were just made up by some group who thinks that they speak for the rest of us! It got me thinking, who the hell put these people in charge of renaming oceans? And what gives them the right to rename these oceans?

It's like Pluto all over again. Remember when some geniuses decided to downgrade Pluto from a planet? What the hell was that all about? I mean, seriously, who said that these few jackasses can reclassify planets for the rest of us? Moreover, the majority of astronomers and planetary scientists still consider Pluto a planet, and so do I! Don't these jackasses realize the chaos they've caused by trying to deplanetize Pluto? Pluto is the ruling planet for Scorpios! It is necessary for great transformation and rebirth! Not to mention, Pluto is the god of wealth! And given the fragile state of the economy, we need all the help Pluto can give us!