1. Pick up the nearest book:
There are no books in the living room, other than the telephone book. I've some magazines in the living room, but I don't think they count. Also, I don't think those people listed in the phone book would appreciate my using their information on the internet without their express consent :) So I walked into the nearest room and picked up the first book I saw. It is perhaps the most famous book of all time (and no, it's not Harry Potter!). It is the Holy Bible, by God through various prophets and scribes (secretaries and temps) over the years.
It was a gift from a old party buddy of mine. We got plastered together during the St Patrick's Day festival in Savannah, GA years ago. After miraculously surviving a wild weekend of hedonism and recklessness, he reaffirmed his faith in God (he was a missionary before he ended up in Georgia). And after seeing my sinning ways that weekend, he thought that I needed some Jesus, which is why he gave me this book :)
2. Open to page 123:
And I find the Book of Numbers (which surprisingly, has a lot more letters than numbers!), chapter 28.
3. Find the 5th sentence:
*And on the seventh day, hold a sacred assembly and do no regular work.
I shall translate for you heathens and pagans and nonbelievers (aka wood for the flames of Hell!):
It's the weekend! Parrrttttyyyyy!
4. Post the next three sentences:
*On the day of firstfruits, when you present to the LORD an offering of new grain during the Feast of Weeks, hold a sacred assembly and do no regular work.
Translation:
The day of firstfruits occurs in late May or early June, during Shavout or the Pentecost. It's also the time for Gay Pride Week, when firstfruits (closet gays!) come out and celebrate! So make sure to set aside a weekend in the summer to enjoy new bottles of grain alcohol, i.e. vodka, whiskey, gin! *Present a burnt offering of two young bulls, one ram and seven male lambs a year old as an aroma pleasing to the LORD.
Translation:
Find some steaks, lamb chops, and break out the grill! The good LORD loves the scent of barbecue!*With each bull there is to be a grain offering of three-tenths of an ephah of fine flour mixed with oil; with the ram, two-tenths.
Translation:
You can't have a barbecue and drinks without some desserts! Custard and puddings utilize flour and oil; thus a 2/10 to 3/10 of an ephah (21L), means at least 4 to 6 liters worth of custards and pudding!
5. Tag 5 people and acknowledged who tagged you:
I'm not tagging anyone; just feel free to let me know if you did it so I can come read it! And it was Tara who tagged me :)
There you have it, your Bible passages for the week! Now get to barbecuing and drinking this weekend as the LORD commands you!
I can just hear the conversation on the phone if you used the phone book
ReplyDeleteYou: "Hello, sir? You don't know me, but I'd like to take your phone number and post it on the internet."
Alarmed Person: "Why??"
You: "Cuz Tara tagged me for this meme."
Slightly Alarmed Person: "Oh...well in that case, sure." ;)
What a great book to quote from, and I love the translations, too.
You should be teaching Sunday School.
ReplyDeleteTara, ha ha ha! I'd imagine I'd get the same welcome telemarketers receive! I'm so glad nothing was lost in translation :)
ReplyDeleteSnooze, those Sunday Schools take place in the early mornings, when I should be sleeping in. I'm not a morning person, and I'd be fired after the first class when the kids pick up on my cussing ;)
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
ReplyDeleteSo have I, MJ, so have I.
ReplyDelete