When Trees Attack!

Ah, Spring, the season of beauty and new life emerging from the long winter cold. It's the time of blossoming flowers and trees sprouting new leaves. But it's also the season when trees attack. They may look harmless, but don't let the fact that they can't get up and walk fool you. Trees are dangerous! We've been waging war against the plant kingdom for eons, and spring is the best time to catch the trees launching their assault on the human species.

Their large, heavy branches break off in storms and crash through your roof and on top of your car, causing serious damage. Their roots crack foundations and pipes. They dump all that yellow pollen all over your car, and that stuff doesn't come off in the rain. You have to wash your car to get that crud off. The only thing worse than the pollen is the tree sap dripping on your car! Those are a nightmare to clean off! And let's not forget that trees harbor those airborne disease carrying terrorists, birds, who like to crap on your car after you've washed it and wake you up way too early with their incessant chirping, depriving you of sleep!

The plants have managed to invade human culture and biology. We've become dependent on them for food. They've cultivated a loyal army of humans, known as vegetarians, who are out to convert the rest of humanity, to get them to become totally dependent on plants for survival. Meat! Meat is our salvation and weapon against this insidious plant attack!

And let's not forget that plants themselves have deeply invaded our society and become ingrained in our customs and arts. They've seduced us with their colors and scents. We associate flowers with beauty and put them in songs and poems and paintings.



Georgia O'Keeffe painted flowers, big, bold, beautiful blossoms. Some people claim that her flower paintings were actually depictions of the female vajayjay. But that's just ridiculous. She painted flowers, not vajayjays! And if you can't tell the difference between a flower and a vajayjay, then do humanity a favor and don't reproduce! We're trying to win a war against the plants; thank you, but we don't need your contributions to the gene pool if we're going to survive as a species.

Granted, flowers are basically plant genitals, but there is no way that they can be confused for human reproductive organs. But this bring us to perhaps the most insidious plant attack of all: The high pollen count, when plants release high volumes of pollen in the air, leaving yellow dust all over cars and people and causing hay fever suffers to have allergic reactions.

Do you know what pollen is? It's basically plant sperm! That's right! All that yellow stuff that's causing you to choke and cough, stinging your eyes, and covering your clothes and body is plant sperm! You've been sexually molested by a tree without your knowledge! And chances are, it wasn't just one tree who had their way with you! It was probably an entire grove! And the sad part is, you probably had it coming!

That's right. I said you had it coming. What did you think would happen when you started giving flowers to people you wanted to get intimate with? Flowers are plant genitals, and we give them to people we date so that they can smell them, admire them, and let them know that we want to pollinate with them. Is it any wonder then that the trees think you might enjoy some action, especially after seeing you stick your face into their plant genitals to get a nice whiff?

No one knows how the war against the trees started. Perhaps it was inevitable when we started eating their parts and chopping them down to build fires and homes. And as our species has grown in large numbers and taken more land, we've eradicated many more trees as we spread across the world. It's only natural that the trees would fight back.

We slaughter them, we burn them, and we annihilate them as we take over more and more of their territories. We cut them down in winter and display them in our homes like war trophies, decorating them with lights and colors, celebrating our victory in battle. But it's a Pyrrhic victory we win. We only destroy ourselves in the end. The sad truth is, we may not win the war against the trees. The reality is that we cannot live without them. Trees produce the oxygen that we need to breathe. And until we can find a way to recreate this complex process vital to our survival, we cannot live without the assistance of trees.

Trees can live for thousands of years; man can barely last over a century. And seeds can lay dormant for thousands of years. A 1,300 year old lotus seed and a 2,000 year old date palm seed have successfully germinated. That means that should the last man on earth die from a lack of oxygen or a plague or a man made disaster, trees can still grow again, and they'll go on without us. Like it or not, we need trees for food, for shelter, and for our survival. They provide us with nutrients and medicine and the air that we breathe.

So for this Earth Day, take the time to do something nice for nature. Pick up the trash; recycle some goods. Reduce waste and pollution. Call a truce on the war against the trees. Try planting a tree to say thank you, earth, and hope that someday, we'll be able to resolve our differences and live in peace with the trees. Because the truth is, we need them a lot more than they need us. By taking care of our trees and environment, we ensure our survival in the long run. And we can breathe a little easier, knowing that we are a valuable part of the ecosystem, and not sowing the seeds our own species' destruction.