Wednesday, April 21, 2010

When Trees Attack!

Ah, Spring, the season of beauty and new life emerging from the long winter cold. It's the time of blossoming flowers and trees sprouting new leaves. But it's also the season when trees attack. They may look harmless, but don't let the fact that they can't get up and walk fool you. Trees are dangerous! We've been waging war against the plant kingdom for eons, and spring is the best time to catch the trees launching their assault on the human species.

Their large, heavy branches break off in storms and crash through your roof and on top of your car, causing serious damage. Their roots crack foundations and pipes. They dump all that yellow pollen all over your car, and that stuff doesn't come off in the rain. You have to wash your car to get that crud off. The only thing worse than the pollen is the tree sap dripping on your car! Those are a nightmare to clean off! And let's not forget that trees harbor those airborne disease carrying terrorists, birds, who like to crap on your car after you've washed it and wake you up way too early with their incessant chirping, depriving you of sleep!

The plants have managed to invade human culture and biology. We've become dependent on them for food. They've cultivated a loyal army of humans, known as vegetarians, who are out to convert the rest of humanity, to get them to become totally dependent on plants for survival. Meat! Meat is our salvation and weapon against this insidious plant attack!

And let's not forget that plants themselves have deeply invaded our society and become ingrained in our customs and arts. They've seduced us with their colors and scents. We associate flowers with beauty and put them in songs and poems and paintings.

Georgia O'Keeffe painted flowers, big, bold, beautiful blossoms. Some people claim that her flower paintings were actually depictions of the female vajayjay. But that's just ridiculous. She painted flowers, not vajayjays! And if you can't tell the difference between a flower and a vajayjay, then do humanity a favor and don't reproduce! We're trying to win a war against the plants; thank you, but we don't need your contributions to the gene pool if we're going to survive as a species.

Granted, flowers are basically plant genitals, but there is no way that they can be confused for human reproductive organs. But this bring us to perhaps the most insidious plant attack of all: The high pollen count, when plants release high volumes of pollen in the air, leaving yellow dust all over cars and people and causing hay fever suffers to have allergic reactions.

Do you know what pollen is? It's basically plant sperm! That's right! All that yellow stuff that's causing you to choke and cough, stinging your eyes, and covering your clothes and body is plant sperm! You've been sexually molested by a tree without your knowledge! And chances are, it wasn't just one tree who had their way with you! It was probably an entire grove! And the sad part is, you probably had it coming!

That's right. I said you had it coming. What did you think would happen when you started giving flowers to people you wanted to get intimate with? Flowers are plant genitals, and we give them to people we date so that they can smell them, admire them, and let them know that we want to pollinate with them. Is it any wonder then that the trees think you might enjoy some action, especially after seeing you stick your face into their plant genitals to get a nice whiff?

No one knows how the war against the trees started. Perhaps it was inevitable when we started eating their parts and chopping them down to build fires and homes. And as our species has grown in large numbers and taken more land, we've eradicated many more trees as we spread across the world. It's only natural that the trees would fight back.

We slaughter them, we burn them, and we annihilate them as we take over more and more of their territories. We cut them down in winter and display them in our homes like war trophies, decorating them with lights and colors, celebrating our victory in battle. But it's a Pyrrhic victory we win. We only destroy ourselves in the end. The sad truth is, we may not win the war against the trees. The reality is that we cannot live without them. Trees produce the oxygen that we need to breathe. And until we can find a way to recreate this complex process vital to our survival, we cannot live without the assistance of trees.

Trees can live for thousands of years; man can barely last over a century. And seeds can lay dormant for thousands of years. A 1,300 year old lotus seed and a 2,000 year old date palm seed have successfully germinated. That means that should the last man on earth die from a lack of oxygen or a plague or a man made disaster, trees can still grow again, and they'll go on without us. Like it or not, we need trees for food, for shelter, and for our survival. They provide us with nutrients and medicine and the air that we breathe.

So for this Earth Day, take the time to do something nice for nature. Pick up the trash; recycle some goods. Reduce waste and pollution. Call a truce on the war against the trees. Try planting a tree to say thank you, earth, and hope that someday, we'll be able to resolve our differences and live in peace with the trees. Because the truth is, we need them a lot more than they need us. By taking care of our trees and environment, we ensure our survival in the long run. And we can breathe a little easier, knowing that we are a valuable part of the ecosystem, and not sowing the seeds our own species' destruction.


  1. Nice write-up!

    I remember the first Earth Day. The buzz word then was "ecology." There was even an ecology flag. I had an ecology flag sticker.

  2. My oldest sister and I went to an Earth Day celebration with my niece, who was about 14 at the time. There was live music and my sister and I grooved to the tunes... my niece was mortified! It was the best!!!

    Great post, Eros.... as always. :-)

  3. Thanks Eros for raminding me that I have a whole heap of "rose scented geranium" cuttings to pot up along with some zygo cactus that badly need seppatating and re potting...

    They say that gardening is a form of sexual sublimation...

    No wonder I like it. I never realised that I was getting covered in "tree sperm" (Bark..ake he he) or arranging plant genitalia in my vase.

    Thankyou for your very amusing and informative discussion, i'm off to have a go at this

    Happy Earth Day

  4. You've been sexually molested by a tree without your knowledge!

    I’m on the phone to my lawyer NOW!

  5. And here's my mantra for Earth Day...

    If it's yellow, let it mellow.

    If it's brown, flush it down

  6. XL, Thanks! That's pretty cool having an ecology flag sticker. That ecology flag reminds me of the Brazilian flag!

    We didn't really celebrate Earth Day til I was in high school. We took it seriously then. I even wrote an environment awareness play that was a smashing success during Earth Week!

    Ponita, Thank you. That sounds like an awesome memory of you, your sister, and your niece! I bet y'all laugh about it now. But you're right. There's nothing like a great concert with fantastic music to put you in the festive spirit! That's definitely a great way to celebrate Earth Day.

    Princess, Barkake! Ha! Ha! Superstar! Now that's taking tree hugging to a whole other level.

    Well, you're definitely doing your part to make the world a greener, more beautiful place.

    Yeah, it's no wonder gardeners are so popular in romance novels and tv shows and movies. Gardeners just exude sex appeal. Everyone wants to be a flower being tended to by a gifted gardener with the magic touch!

    Happy Earth Day to you, too!

    MJ x2, Chances are, the perpetrator was a hardwood!

    If it burns when you pee,
    Get checked for STDs!

  7. lovely post, sugar and happy earth day! xoxoxoxx

  8. Great post, Eros! Very creative.

    But it reminds of that time over the Cusp when the Dryads opened up a shop selling human reproductive organs for Valentine's Day...

  9. Savannah, Thank you! Happy Earth Day to you, too!

    IDV, Thanks. I had fun writing this.

    I bet those shrewed Dryads sold out everything! Because isn't that what we all want on Valentine's Day, a chance to enjoy some reproductive organs?

  10. I'm very good at wood cultivation.

  11. Scarlet B, It takes a special skill to grow and handle wood masterfully!

  12. I remember hearing about one of my classmates getting a concussion because a tree branch fell on her. That was way back when we were in first grade.

    Trees can be pretty evil. And yes, they even attack little kids.

  13. Tara, Ha! You just reminded of the time I visited one of my brothers. We were out in the yard and his daughter was trying to shake the coconut tree. My brother kept telling her to stop, but she was having too much fun...until a coconut snapped off and fell on her head!

    She was knocked out! We rushed to her to see if she was okay. She opened her eyes and said, "Wow! It was just like the cartoons! I saw stars!"

    I laughed out loud at that. She had a bump on her head and the ER doctors examined her and said she was fine...and the bump would go away on its own.