Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Something to talk about

Sometimes, I wonder where common sense has gone, and how much things have changed. Take dinner parties, for example. When I was younger, I learned that the three topics never to bring up at dinner parties were religion, politics, and sex. It's always polite to talk about the weather and geography and the food. Either people haven't gotten this message or times have truly changed!

It started when my friend made a comment about how the weather was making her skin dry. I told her that I agreed with her, and that the dry, cold air was making my skin dry, too. Suddenly, my friend's elderly aunt--a former Hippie in her 60s--decided to join our conversation, stating, "Oh, you youngsters don't know the meaning of the word dry."

We paused to give her our attention. And I regretted it immediately when she continued, "At my age, everything's dry--my skin, my hair, even my vagina."

That's right. She said her vagina! At which point the other conversations going around the dinner table stopped, and everyone else started paying attention to what the old lady was saying, "I have several different moisturizers for my skin and sex is very uncomfortable with a dry vagina, so I have to use a lot of lubrication so I can enjoy it better."

That's right. She said she has to use a lot of lubrication! She continued, "When you get to be my age, after menopause, it's like a desert down there."

At this point, I imagined a vulture, circling the skies, looking out for dead and dying creatures on the desert floor that is this woman's vagina. Suffice it to say I kept my mouth shut for fear of what other tidbits this elderly lady might want to share. Now I know why they call it menopause. Because at that age, the things that these women say give men-a-pause! Whether it's hormonal changes altering behavior or these women just don't give a damn any more, I don't know.

Now, I may not read Miss Manners, but I'm pretty sure that dry vaginas are not topics one should discuss at dinner parties. It's a dinner party, not a gynecologists convention! This morning, after I met my friend for breakfast, she asked me to go shopping with her. I blame the fact that I'm not a morning person, that my brain was not fully functioning when I answered her question, "What do you think I should get my aunt for Christmas?"

To which I immediately replied, "A big bottle of lube!"


  1. If she MUST bring up the topic, and she SHOULDN'T, she should have referred to it as her "Secret Lady Place."

  2. you're right, sugar, she was totally inappropriate, but YOU were hilarious! xoxoxox

  3. Was it an Infomaniac dinner party?

  4. I like old ladies who've lost all sense of decorum in conversation. Or rather, those who've discovered they can pretend to have forgotten, and everyone'll forgive them because it might be Altzheimers.

    If it'd have been my party, I'd have upped the ante, loudly proclaiming that my grandmother had the same problem, and when I was five she used to get me to lubricate her with KY jelly - pushed into place with an extra-long candlestick.

    (captcha: phomf - the sound made by smacking together the lips of a properly lubricated vagina.)

  5. That topic is enough to put anyone off their gazpacho.

    I think your idea for her Christmas present is spot on, especially if your friend gets her a warming, flavoured lube.

  6. MJ, I don't think she thinks of her Lady Place as a secret, esp. since she put it up for public discussion!

    Savannah, Thanks. It was out of the blue and totally threw me off when she started talking. I thought, Good gawd! Am I really hearing this? Or perhaps I've drunk more than I thought!

    XL, No; the guests were all dressed; no catfights; and no one passed out in the vodka fountain; definitely not an Infomaniac dinner party.

    Kapi, Ha! Situations like that, I sometimes find it best not to say anything at all because it can go either way: The conversation stops or the person talking thinks the silence means it's okay to continue and take it up a whole other level, which is exactly what this lady did!

    Roses, I know! And now, every time I'll see my friend's aunt, I shall associate her with deserts! Perhaps she was dropping hints as to what she wants for Xmas. But that's something my friend would definitely have to get on her own!

  7. Nobody started on erectional dysfunction? Bowel movements?
    That's normally the point when I deceide to have the first schnapps and a cigarette.

  8. omg, I'm with Kapitano. That is dinner party gold. And yes, your advice to get a Christmas lube is sound.

  9. Mago, Had they started talking about those things, I'd have thought for sure that I was in a series of tv commercials, not a dinner party--because aren't all tv ads about ED, BMs, and vaginal issues?

    Snooze, When I go to dinner parties, I go for the food, not updates on peoples vaginas! Save that conversation for your health care provider!

    I dare not think about what the aunt will do should she get big bottle of lube for Xmas!

  10. Just don't go to any more of those dinner parties - The aunt will probably enjoy telling you about how the Christmas lube is her new saviour!

  11. I agree, that's not the place to bring that up.

    That said I've got a group of close friends and we talk about EVERYTHING at out dinner parties. There's a time and place though.

  12. IDV, Here I was, thinking I was going to enjoy some delicious food...I didn't realize that dinner came with a show...a performance of the Vagina Monologues! I'd have to be drunk to attend an encore! Then again, it might be fun to hear what else might be revealed.

    CyberPete, That's the cool thing about friends. But you're right! There is definitely is a time and place for everything, and discussing your privates in a public with strangers is definitely neither the time nor place. Unless you happen to be prostitute luring customers, in which case using a desert to describe your private place is not the way to go...nobody likes to screw rough, scraping sand.

  13. I once attended a lunch party, thrown by my birth father, a prostate cancer survivor. This happened at a time while my mother was dying. He thought it would be good to get me out of the house. Change of scenery. Very considerate.

    Except he'd also invited the members of his support group, who I'd never met before. This group of men were in their late 60's early 70's. They stood around talking about their experiences and problems with erectile dysfunction.

    I was relieved to return to my mother's bedside, I can tell you.

  14. Roses, Ha! Ha! Now that is definitely a lunch party to remember! It's one of those things where you leave thinking, well, I guess life could be worse--at least I don't have to worry about erectile dysfunction!

  15. Might I suggest a smearing of PawPaw cream? The Empress swears by it...
    What marvelous friends you have and I think our elders have earned the right to be so frank... A lot have grown up in an age when ladies/gentlemen didn't mention such intimacies... It must instil great sense of freeedom to be able to express oneself so openly these days and not give a toss about the reactions...

    Happy Holidays to you Eros....

  16. Princess, Old people say the darnest things! But I guess at that age, you don't have time to waste tip toeing around the subject...you just get right to the point and to hell with sugar coating the truth!

  17. Both my parents worked on the clinical trail data gathering for the clinical trails of viagra and a well known treatment for vaginal thrush. So a spirited discussion of erectile dysfunction and 'sticky knicker ' syndrome where not unknown at our dinner table . Tuna Pasta Bake was never a wise choice :-(

  18. Beast, Ha! Now, those hard and sticky conversations are best saved for the after dinner drinks when everyone is really hammered!

  19. HA is right! I blame Cosmo for giving license to all of this gynecological banter. Seriously. TMI.

    You just don't go there because things can get pretty weird and before you know it somebody across from you secretly slips her foot on your lap under the table as she's innuendoing her way through her newfound appreciation of post menopausal sex and you turn bright red and your wife looks at you and says "maybe you should slow down on the rum for a while" and then you think everybody knows what's happening under the table and you panic and blurt out something assinine about sports and end up chugging your glass of wine and start filling your face with food like you've just been rescued from surviving a plane crash in the wilderness and..well you know what I mean.

    Straighten out and fly right and stay out of trouble. Don't go there.

  20. *takes notes from Donn's comment about post-menopausal women*

    Te he Donn.

  21. Donns comment sounds like a real life experience. Bless.

  22. Donn, Ha! Ha! Those menopausal women!

    Sometimes, it's best to lay low and watch the action! You learn the most interesting things when you don't say nothing at all and people just start to talk!

    Roses, Ha!

    CP, At the very least, it's an important lesson about being careful when sitting within reach of horny menopausal women!