Friday, December 4, 2009

It's the Most Stressful Time of the Year

Ah, the holidays. It's that time of year again when single people everywhere are assaulted by society and capitalism. Apparently, being single is some sort of affliction that needs an immediate cure.

It starts with Thanksgiving, when you sit down to a nice turkey dinner with your relatives and friends. You know there's going to be drama--with all the unsolicited advice and criticism from various relatives, the petty feuds, and being surrounded by irritating and annoying people. But you go anyway out of obligation and for the free food.

I'd like to eat your pumpkin pie and stuff your turkey!

In between helpings of roasted turkey and pumpkin pie, you're interrogated by people who want to know if you're seeing anyone special. And if not, what's wrong with you? And of course, they start talking about their children like they're some sort of trophies, and you're missing out so much by not having any children of your own.

Right, like cleaning up after screaming, rambunctious rugrats and losing sleep is really such a great prize. No thanks. I'd rather stay out late and sleep in and not worry about anyone but myself. I like going where I want to go, and doing what I want to do. I mean, I like kids, but I love my life the way it is now. It's so nice to have a place to myself, where eating cereal with beer because I've run out of milk is perfectly acceptable.

It's bad enough that family and friends start pressuring you to find somebody at Thanksgiving. It only gets worse at Christmas. That's when the damn merchants start advertising their wares and sending out messages that if you're not buying stuff for someone special, then there's something wrong with you. Really, it's all about making money. This is the time of year that stores make the majority of their profits. If you have a spouse and kids, then you have to spend lots of money buying all sorts of crap for them.

Of course, all the holiday tv shows and specials and movies churn out the same theme of family togetherness and spending the holidays with a significant other--because being single and happy is impossible, if not insane. Perhaps there's something in the eggnog that triggers a hormonal (and mental) imbalance in well meaning married friends who make attempts to set you up with other single people they know, the goal being to get you settled down by next year. It's like being single is an offense to their married sensibilities.

By the time New Year's Eve rolls around, you're ready for a night out drinking and away from the meddling people who're getting on your nerves. You venture out to celebrate New Year's Eve, only to find that what was once a simple night out to get drunk and party has become a little complicated. Now, instead of just counting down to midnight, you're pressured into kissing someone at midnight. But it's not just a kiss anymore. Now you worry whether your one night stand is going to turn into a nightmare with some desperate, deranged individual whose New Year resolution is to settle down and get married.

New Year's Eve is not just for party people anymore. Nowadays you've got to deal with people who have been brainwashed by the advertising campaigns to find someone to love. Why? Because in 6 weeks, the merchants have one last chance to cash in on the holiday season: Valentine's Day, the day when you're supposed to buy a loved one chocolates and flowers and jewelry and expensive dinner and wine.

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

Don't cha?

If someone snags you on New Year's Eve, then they've got six weeks to go on at least four dates with you before it's required that you take them out on Valentine's Day. And a date on Valentine's Day means you're officially in a relationship!

Thankfully, when Valentine's Day is over, single people everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief because the holiday season is done. It's no wonder then that Mardi Gras and Spring Break and St Patrick's Day are so popular with single people. It's a celebration of all the fun things single people can do. It's all about getting drunk and having a good time, staying out late and sleeping in. It's not like single people have kids or spouses to worry about.

 Related Links:
Hope is a yellow dump truck
Holiday Dismay
Are you there, Santa? It's me
The thing about fathers
Best Laid Plans
Veterans Day Reflection


  1. Excellent way to tie the holidays together!

    PS: I'll have whatever those kids are having.

  2. And if not, what's wrong with you? And of course, they start talking about their children like they're some sort of trophies, and you're missing out so much by not having any children of your own.

    I think they want you to be as miserable as they are.

    Misery loves company.

  3. i have already mapped out my christmas day: holmes opens! and since miss daisy has a daughter here and xmas aint my holiday anyway, i'm gone, gone, gone! and my b-day is 12/31 and the MITM will be gone, i am NOT having a party and NOT going out! i think i will watch tv and eat pizza!

  4. hold on, i just realised how jealous i am of single people! damn your eyes! y'all get to do this kind of stuff all the time! xoxoxoxox

  5. Whenever someone asks me why I'm still single I tell them that I haven't found anyone worthy of me yet. They usually roll their eyes, laugh and change the subject. Mission accomplished.

    I do get frustrated with the commercials around this time - especially the jewelry commercials.

  6. Tell them you were married...but she died of metaphrasic cancer a year ago this very day. And you still get nightmares about her unborn child reaching out to you from a pit of screaming skulls.

    Metaphrastic means "concered with the detection of lies", but they won't know that.

  7. PS. The next time someone asks me "Why aren't you married yet?", I'll ask them, "Why aren't you divorced yet?".

  8. XL, Those kids have the right idea!

    MJ, Ha! Being around screaming children throwing tantrums feels like Misery!!!

    Savannah x2, Sounds like you've got a great plan! It's so nice when you have some time to yourself to do what you want to do--no worries and just enjoying the show!

    It's always a good time when you're eating pizza in front of the tv--No crowds all up in your space!

    Tara, That is annoying when people ask questions that double as insults! I've learned to respond, "I'm very happy with my life right now."

    That usually shuts them up and makes them think about their own lives while I walk away smiling.

    Those jewelry commercials suck. Just because a diamond is forever doesn't mean you'll be around forever.

    Kapi x2, Ha! I've been getting that Why aren't you married yet? question for years. Sometimes, I'm tempted to say back, "Why are you still stupid?"

  9. Brilliant.
    You pretty much covered all of the bases here. Why we persist with these Hallmark Days is beyond me..I think we need excuses to go over the top.

    I don't fret anymore..just make time for the people I want and need to see...making memories with my lovely wife and great kids..I know how lucky I am and I appreciate it.

    I also appreciate having you in my life and having access to you "virtually" whenever I want. eliminates the need to wait for a holiday to escape the drudgery that others feel.
    Every day is a holiday out here innit?

  10. Donn, Thanks.

    "I don't fret anymore..just make time for the people I want and need to see..."

    You've got the right idea! You shouldn't have to wait for a holiday to tell you to appreciate your luved ones. You make everyday a holiday with your luved ones!

    Life is too short and time flies! Make the most of every day! And you truly are lucky and deserving to have your wonderful family and fantastic friends. You're an awesome person--one of the funniest and smartest I know!

  11. lol - you have it down perfectly. Especially about dating after Christmas with Valentine's Day looming.

  12. If Bridget Jones has taught us anything, it's that Smug-marriedness is next to Godliness, and that Singletondom is one of the Seven Deadly Sins.

    Still, in this money-grabbing and materialistic world, it's survival of the fittest. And you are so very fit!

  13. It's easier if you just subtract the 'other people' factor and think about the holidays like this...

    thanksgiving: food
    xmas: stuff
    new years: booze
    mardi gras: tits, booze
    valentines: sex
    st. paddy's: booze
    spring break: tits,booze
    arbor day: trees
    presidents day: stuff
    easter: tits, booze
    my birthday: tits, burritos
    decoration day: dead people

  14. Snooze, It's kind of funny how people run around almost in a panic to justify a date for Valentine's Day. All of a sudden, there's this extra pressure to find someone real quick.

    IDV, Bridget Jones would be a great drinking buddy--she's a little paranoid and crazy and accident prone...definitely entertaining!

    I don't mind the married smugness. Couples should be happy. It's the meddling and forced matchmaking that puts me off, esp when I didn't ask for a hook up!

    FN, You've brought attention to a very important issue: There are not enough holidays dedicated to tits. Booze and food are always a plus!

  15. Eros , next time someone asks you why your still single , smirk at them , and say 'who says I am' and then wink. Then refurse to answer any further questions. It will ruin their day :-)

  16. Beast, Ha! That's a good one! I'm trying that one out! It might keep the forced matchmaking in check.

  17. You are officially a genius by the way. I like being on my own - I can listen to Dizzee Rascal in the middle of the night.

  18. Mutley, Thanks! It is great to play your music whenever you want, without worrying about waking up other of the perks of being on your own.

  19. That and wandering around all day in your undies

  20. You got that right, Beast! It's a very comfortable feeling laying about your own space in your undergear!