Service Project

I hate it when headquarters executive officers visit the company. Not because of the extra work involved or the disruption to normal operations that it brings. Rather, I hate the idiots that usually accompany the visiting executive officer. That means regional officers and managers from nearby branches often flock to my company for a chance to suck up to the visiting head honcho.

Ordinarily, I stay out of sight and avoid the circus. But my manager was out of town for a work conference. And as the person with the most experience and seniority on staff, I was the de facto leader, left in charge. I suspect my manager has delayed hiring an assistant manager, because he enjoys having me run things in his absence.

I was hoping to avoid the side show of the visiting head executive and all the sycophants who buzzed around him like flies on crap. Unfortunately, my staff meeting was invaded by the head honcho, who wanted to see us in action, and the parasites that fed off him crowded the conference room.

I was irritated at the intrusion. I was discussing our staff's progress in our community service project. This time of year, we raise money for school supplies and clothing for kids in need. We have bake sales, garage sales, even BBQ sales, whatever we can to raise funds. And the head honcho was curious about our project.

No sooner had I begun summarizing our efforts so far, when I was interrupted by a manager from a neighboring branch. He wanted to know why we were focusing on just children instead of something bigger for the whole community.

That pissed me off. First off, that mofo cut me off as I was speaking. Second, this was my staff meeting, and I sure as hell didn't ask for any input, especially from outsiders who had no clue what was going on. And thirdly, if this jackass thinks he can hijack my meeting as an opportunity to suck up to head honcho, think again! I'm going to annihilate him for daring to make himself look good by trying to make my department look bad!

That jackass started throwing out ideas about how we could do something bigger for the community, like start a literacy program to encourage reading and help others learn to read. Even better, promote a book exchange, where members of the community can read different books for free. We could buy and donate books for the community to share. Everyone from kids to the elderly can benefit from learning how to read.

Other suck ups began building up on the concept, saying maybe we could provide a safe space where these book exchanges can take place, a centralized location that the community can easily access. It would make a positive impact on the community. That location could also provide a space for community meetings. They reasoned that we ought to provide a system that lists which books are available and which ones can be taken, kind of like how Craigslist advertises which stuff is for sale, and which stuff is being sought out, to keep things organized and efficient.

Meanwhile, I was fuming as these interlopers were using my meeting as a stepping stone up the corporate ladder. Suddenly, the head honcho, who was quiet the whole time and scrutinizing the proceedings, asked me, "What do you think?"

Everyone was silent. All eyes were on me. So I said, "It sounds like a good idea."

All the suck ups were smiling and nodding, pleased that I seemed to acquiesce that their idea was so much better than mine. I continued, "In fact, it's a great idea," at which point that jackass and his cronies all started smirking and congratulating themselves.

Until I said clearly and emphatically, "Unfortunately, that idea's been done." I paused to quickly skim their confused expressions before continuing, "There all ready exists a place in the community where free book exchanges take place and anyone can use it...It's called a LIBRARY!!!"

I pointed out the window,"And there's one just down the street! And they've been serving this community for decades! You passed by it on your drive here. There's a big sign in the front that says "Library"! I hope you can read that. And if you can't, don't worry, the library has a free adult literacy program! They can teach you how to read! Anyone can use the library."

"And guess what? They even have an ingenious system for organizing their books to find out what's available in their collection. It's called a card catalogue! And they've got rooms set aside specifically for meetings and gatherings in the community. Furthermore, they even have computers to access to the internet and wifi for all visitors to use for free! What a wonderful and amazing place the library is! And what an amazing service the library provides for the community!"

"But you know what, even the library needs our help every now and then. And this time of year, they ask for donations and funds to help with their annual drive to provide school supplies for children in need. Which is exactly the type of help this department had been giving for years! And that's the project that were about to discuss until this meeting was disrupted by sudden influx of all of you unexpected and unaffiliated visitors."

Gasps from the outsiders competed with the suppressed giggles from my staff. I could've stopped there, but I was ticked off, so I continued, "I don't know how you all operate and run your meetings, but here, we follow a procedure. And I'm going to explain that procedure so you'll know. We start our meeting by explaining the purpose of the meeting and discussing what our goals are and what action we need to take. The person who leads the meeting is the moderator. Everyone gets a chance to speak after the floor is open for discussion. And no one interrupts the speaker, except the moderator in order to clarify or keep the discussion on track. In other words, you wait your turn to speak up, and you don't cut anyone off!"

I glared at the suck ups. Then said, "If you can't follow these simple rules, then there's the exit, make like a tree and leave. If you feel the need to run your mouth needlessly or preach, find a street corner or pulpit, because this is neither the time nor place to spout crazy or convert souls."

Some defiant boob spoke up, "Are you saying we can't express our opinions?"

I replied, "You can have an opinion. Just don't blurt it out unless I ask for it. You know what they say about opinions?"

The head honcho amusedly chimed in, "Opinions are like buttholes. Everyone has one!"

I couldn't resist adding "And some of them are full of hot air and crap! And this is neither the time nor the place to let loose and dump them!"

My staff and the head honcho busted out laughing as the interlopers looked stunned.

I continued, "We've all ready wasted too much time on distractions. And we've got work to do. I don't need the disruptions. There's only so much oxygen in this room and the a/c can only handle so much hot air before it breaks down. I will not waste any more time on drama or diversions or insipid interruptions. If you can't abide by the rules we use to run this meeting, then there's the door, get out!"

"And if you have any questions or concerns, now is the time to ask. Speak now or forever hold your peace. Because the next person who rudely disrupts the proceedings will get treated like the disgusting garbage they are and sent straight to the dumspter! I will haul you out myself and throw you out like filthy, fetid trash!"

Stunned silence from the visitors, my staff trying hard not to giggle. I continued, "Now, does anyone have any questions before I proceed?"

I glared at the interlopers who avoided my gaze. Silence. The head honcho surprised us by chuckling and asking, "Your school supplies fundraising project. How much do you need?"

I couldn't resist replying, "How much have you got?"

That was last week. Before I took off early from work today, my manager pulled me aside. He congratulated me on our fundraising project. The library was very grateful, and we helped so many kids, many more than in years before. We raised four times the amount we raised last year, a record! Not hard to believe, since the head honcho forked over a large check, and all the suck ups handed over funds to make themselves look good in front of the Big Boss.

Then my manager surprised me by giving me my work evaluation early. It was pretty good. Excellent, actually, boosted by an unexpected high praise and commendation from the Big Boss who visited last week. There was a strong suggestion that I take up some of the open manager/leadership positions in the company.

But I declined. I don't want staff calling me at all hours for the stupidest things they consider "work emergencies", like running out of printing paper/ink (Get some from the supply closet! Or borrow from another dept!). Or trying to balance work schedules and getting multiple projects done on time. Sorting out the office politics and bullcrap and tension that arise from coworkers infighting and drama. And I sure as hell don't want to deal with whiny, wasteful staff asking for more resources while upper management hassles me about using less resources and being more efficient and finding ways to cut more costs and be more profitable.

No way. No thanks. Been there. Done that. Not interested. Not at this time, anyway.

But I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I got a raise! I wasn't expecting one til next year. So this was a nice bonus. I don't know if it's a reward for all my hard work or if it's the manager's/company's way of trying to placate me. It's no secret that I've been getting restless and ready to hit the road again, maybe with a different company. But for now, it's nice to get a raise. Even better to get kudos for doing good work. But the best feeling is knowing that we helped a whole lot of kids get the school supplies they need, and hopefully, that puts them on the path to brighter futures.