Showdown and Showtime

Every two weeks starting after Tax Day (April 15), the company payroll specialist, one of the CPAs, takes a two week vacation. She's been doing this for two decades now. And this year, she's going to Bora Bora! Lucky her!

She has an office on our floor. She likes it. It's where she first started in the company and where she prefers to stay. The view is great and she enjoys our department. We count her as one of ours, even though she really is the head of finance. The bean counters are baffled by our protectiveness and claims over their leader. But she's been on our department longer than most of us have been at the company. And she's super nice!

A month before she leaves, Josie (as she likes to be called) sends out a company wide email and memo to let people know she will be going on vacation for two weeks. Otherwise, they'll have to seek out aid from the other CPA (an older senior statesman who moves at a snail's pace and likes to regale us with tales of the olden days), or wait til she gets back from vacation.

The older gentleman CPA, we call the Consul, because he is the most senior active partner in the company, and he was a Consul in the State Department, serving in Europe and Asia before helping create the company. He's more of a figurehead and mascot for the company, our own grandfather of sorts, telling us war stories and life in the old days in the distant past, when bread and gasoline used to cost less than a quarter.

You go to the Consul for history lessons and an entertaining tale or two during lunch or at company picnics and parties. He's a very pleasant older man to socialize with. But he still does things the old fashioned way: With a rolodex for his contacts and he actually handwrites receipts!

There are some important, critical responsibilities and actions that only Josie and the Consul are authorized to take. And Josie's got a plethora of experience that her younger department underlings lack when dealing with new, unfamiliar problems. If you want something done fast and solved quickly, you go to Josie. Josie is efficient, effective, and essential to our operations. Plus, she makes a fantastic angel food cake that she brings to our office parties. We love her!

Two weeks before she goes on vacation, Josie sends out a second email and memo reminder to anyone who might have payroll issues or managers needing guidance on budget or compensation to bring their concerns before she leaves. One week before departure, Josie sends out a last call, a final email and memo reminder to anyone with pay or finance issues to see her before she takes off.

And every year, on the first day of her vacation, my department gets flooded with panicking, stressed out people looking for Josie to sort out their payroll and budget issues, only to find out to their horror and disbelief that Josie is on vacation for two whole weeks. And No, we will NOT be giving you her cell number. She's on a well earned vacation to relax and rejuvenate and enjoy her time off.

It's become an annual entertaining drama for our department to see the chaos that happens every time Josie goes on vacation. It's like watching the salmon run in bear infested streams or herds of wildebeests migrating across the Serengeti, trying to avoid the lions and crocodiles and seeking safety and resources on the other side of the river, desperately looking for a safe place to cross.

Every year, we gird our loins and brace ourselves for the onslaught. Our manager disappears, claiming he has meetings to attend. After getting reamed a few years ago by frazzled coworkers seeking out Josie and finding her unavailable, they took out their frustrations on our hapless manager. He learned the hard lesson that if he couldn't help these people or get out of the way, he was liable to get trampled by the vicious stampede of angry, pissed off coworkers.

By default, as the unofficial dept spokesman; a highly competent devil's advocate; an impish rogue with a trustworthy and a somewhat semi respectable reputation; known for staying cool under pressure (and hilarious, inappropriate, wicked sense of humor), I am left to handle the crisis. And the rest of the department takes their cue from me and follows my lead.

We've gotten used to seeing all the drama and theatrics. And every year, we bear witness to the Kubler Ross Stages of Grief and Loss:

1. Denial

"What do you mean that Josie's on vacation?" is the first and most common response we get when we tell people that Josie is not here. It is often accompanied by the lost, deer caught in headlights, stupefied look on people's faces. We can see their brains struggling to comprehend that Josie is not there to solve their problem. It does not compute.

2. Anger

"Well then who's going to help me with my problem?" is the next most commonly asked question. Followed by dismay when told to take their concerns to the Consul. It means it's going to take time to solve their problems, possibly a few days or weeks even!

Now comes the venting and ranting: "How can she go on vacation at a time like this? That's just poor planning! Bad timing! Unprofessional!"

Most times, we ignore the rants but some days, we get very defensive about Josie, especially when middle managers and department heads start griping. Then we say in the nicest way possible: "Josie sent out three companywide emails and memos alerting people that she was going on vacation at this time. The first was a month ago. The second was two weeks ago. The final notice was last week."

It's our way of saying, "Bitch! Read your damn emails and memos! Don't be blaming Josie for your ignorance and laziness! If you've got time to waste posting on social media and watching porn and YouTube vids, then your sorry ass had plenty of time to read your frakking emails!"

And with out nicest smiles and through our expressions and raised eyebrow, we nonverbally communicate, "Listen here jackass, you've been at the company for more than five years now. You should know by now that Josie always goes on vacation at this time of year. You've got no excuses! Either you're incompetent or just plain stupid! Now get the f*ck out of my dept! We got work to do!"

A few disgruntled coworkers leave in a huff. But most stay, and we witness the next stage of grief:


3. Bargaining

Now they start trying to make deals. "If you can help me out, I'll be sure to get you..." Procurement offers first choice of new office furniture; IT promises faster computers that won't freeze; Maintenance promises to finally fix that temperamental A/C; Security will look the other way if we park in the highly desired spaces reserved for customers and employees given special recognition for valuable contributions or achievements.

We've had people try to bribe us with paid days off, tickets to sporting events, or even harder to resist: Free food and Drinks. A few even try batting their eyelashes and flirt with us to get their way. Unfortunately, the answer is always the same: See the Consul or wait for Josie to come back.

Most people leave. But a few actually progress to the next stage:


4. Depression.

We've actually had people cry when they realized that they weren't getting their money as soon as they'd like. The ones we feel sorry for, we offer the box of Kleenex we keep on hand for just this very occurrence. We take the time to escort them to the Consul on the top floor or to the finance department. Or we help them straighten out their paperwork for when Josie comes back. But people we genuinely feel sorry for are very few and far in between.

The majority are divas and selfish blowhards, inconsiderate, rude bastards that somehow have it in their idiotic heads that we ought to drop what we're doing and concentrate on solving their budget/payroll problems! Sorry, mofos! Not our department! You want compassion? Find a gawddam priest! We've got work to do and clients who need us! So f*ck off!

And finally, we see the last stage:


5. Acceptance

Most people who've made it this far in the grieving process have come to terms with their options: See the Consul or wait for Josie to come back. And that's usually the end. They leave to either see the Consul or come back when Josie returns to work.

Except there are a few idiots who repeat the cycle; they're too stubborn and too stupid to comprehend that we cannot help them with their payroll or budget issues.

Yesterday, I was coming back from lunch when I encountered the assistant manager from the Records Department giving one of my interns a hard time. The jackass could not get it in his thick skull that the only person who could help him with his budget issue was the Consul, not us! I was livid to see him be rude to one of my people!

I jumped in and stood between the raging a$$hole and my flustered intern. I took control of the situation and told that jackass in a clear, concise language that the ONLY person who can address his situation is the Consul on the top floor. And I would personally escort him up to see the Consul to solve his budget problem.

He grumbled something and beat a hasty retreat. But I was pissed off! I called his office number. He wasn't answering his company cellphone. So I left a message repeating what I had told him face to face, to see the Consul for his budget concern.

Then I sent an interoffice Memo through the Mail Dept. I repeated the same message: Please see the Consul regarding your budget concern. He is the only one who can assist you in this matter at this time.

I sent a copy of the memo his boss and to the Consul.

And finally, I wrote a certified company email addressed to him, his boss, and the Consul. I expressed that I was following up on his budget issue. Since I was not sure if he had received my voicemail, my memo, or understood my advice, I was writing him with explicit instructions and advice to see the Consul regarding his budget concerns. His boss and the Consul got the same email, to make them aware of the situation and my suggestion on how to resolve the issue.

Now his boss and the Consul are aware that the jackass has an issue that needs resolving, and that I have redirected his concerns to the right person. And he has to follow up. In sending the triple communications, I have made myself (and my department) look competent and helpful while at the same time, I put that jerk in a position to admit he has an issue, and he must take the (arduous, painful) path to see the Consul to fix his problems. He will either suffer an agonizing slow and frustrating process that will not resolve itself for a week or two. Or he risks looking like an idiot for not following my "helpful" advice.

That ought to show the bastard not to harass my people! I will go to war with the Records Dept to annihilate that rude jackass! It's this type of insane, over the top, vengeful action that makes me question my fitness to lead. It's why I avoid management positions. It's much more liberating and empowering to operate independently.

After yesterday's chaos and unpleasantness, the troops were looking at me for guidance today. Our manager was playing hide and seek again. I had informed the manager yesterday of what went down with the jerk from Records, and I assured the intern that he did a fine job. And I told all my interns that the next time some a$$hole starts to go off on them, just get a supervisor or manager to deal with the conflict.

No sooner had we opened our department, I noticed the Records boss and the regional director (the former Human Resources boss who relocated to corporate headquarters just a few months ago after accepting the promotion) entering my department. The regional director was touring the facility, following up on any concerns and discussing policy changes coming down the line.

My boss had disappeared. The troops looked at me for direction. Tension had risen in the room. Something big was about to go down! I was about to annihilate that mofo from Records! My bloodlust was rising and I was excited at the prospect of revenge!

I smiled and greeted the ladies. I welcomed them, and asked how we could help them. The director asked, "I understand there was an incident yesterday regarding a budget issue and some feathers might have gotten ruffled."

I raised my eyebrow. The director asked, "I just need some clarification. Doesn't Josie handle budget matters?"

I had a choice to make. I could crush that a$$hole from Records and put his head on a spike! The troops were eager for my reaction.

The director wondered, "Where is Josie anyway?"

At that moment, my office radio played a familiar and inspired tune:

The Outfield: Your Love



So I turned up the music and sang to the director:

"Josie's on a vacation far away
Come around and talk it over
So many things that I want to say
You know I like my girls a little bit older

I just want to use your love tonight"

And the troops appropriately responded:

"I don't want to lose your love tonight!"

And so my dept launched into a karaoke performance of The Outfield's Your Love.

By the time we were done singing, the tension had gone out of the room. The director suddenly realized that Josie was usually on vacation this time of year. And I had held the peace with the Records department. Both the director and Records boss enjoyed our impromptu musical performance and left laughing with big smiles on their faces. My troops felt very cheerful and uplifted.

By showing mercy and not throwing that jerk from Records under the bus (where he deserved to get repeatedly run over!), I had shown that I have taken the high road, ensuring my reputation as a fair and intelligent leader. And I was giving that jerk a rare second chance to be more professional when dealing with our department. He saves face, his boss saves face because she didn't promote an idiot, and the director (and my boss) can relax that I wasn't going on a vendetta to obliterate a coworker and cause an interdepartmental war (again!).

More importantly, my interns felt safe and secured that I would protect them and guide them. They will be better workers and have confidence in my ability to lead them. I maybe crazy and a bit wild; I have a wicked sense of humor. And I've a reputation for hellraising from time to time. But I'm also fair, merciful, and damn good at what I do. I'm the one who excels at handling our most challenging and demanding clients. It's why the company keeps me. I'm the kind of ally you want in your corner.

And the troops have reason to remain loyal, keep their faith in me, and trust me in times of crisis. We would use humor and wit to get through the rest of the two weeks Josie is on vacation. We are going to make our stressful environment a lot less challenging and more enjoyable.

I wish I could say that I had it all planned out. That I was going to be merciful and understanding. But honestly, I had no such plan. I had planned for a showdown!

It was by sheer coincidence, a cosmic turn of fate that led to that song playing on the radio at the right time to make me act the way I did. Music inspires and soothes the savage beast. Sometimes, when the universe provides you unexpectedly with a stage, you put on a show! And everyone loves a good show.